[NSFW] This Week in Sexy Games: The Witcher 3

Triss Merigold

Triss Merigold

Now I know that there are two other games in The Witcher’s series, but I’ve tried both and never really got into either them, which is crazy to think of now when I enjoyed Witcher 3 as much as I did. But because of my playing experience with the series, expect nothing but content related to anything happening in Witcher 3. So Triss’ bath scene and stuff like that in the past two games will not be here. Sorry!

Anyways, when I picked up my copy of The Witcher 3, I expected a lot from it. I had to. It was a game being touted as the best game of the year by a massive margin, yet it’s a game that belongs to a series of games I’d had a mostly negative experience with. But as I picked up the game and began playing through it, I got addicted and I wanted to see how far I could go.

It turns out I would go to the brothel a bunch of times at least.

I won't lie, I visited Amrynn several times before the game ended

I won’t lie, I visited Amrynn several times before the game ended

I knew ahead of time that The Witcher series was not afraid to have a little sex in it. The game’s made in Europe, another place in the world that has far less problems with sex in media than North America. So I went in fully aware of what I was walking into. I just had no idea how many choices I’d have that I’d be legitimately attracted to. Generally speaking in any video game or anime, especially ones centered on romance, sexuality, or fan service, there’d be two or three girls I’d be super into out of say six or more. But in some cases, the number is far higher than two or three and The Witcher 3 fell into that category. Both of Geralt’s love interests in Triss and Yennifer caught my eye, two of the prostitutes you can go after caught my eye and of course, Ciri REALLY caught my eye.

So before I go in-depth about the sexual content, let’s talk about the girls.

Same sex scene, but with Narcissa

Same sex scene, but with Narcissa

Starting off with the ones we see the least of, Amrynn and Narcissa are both courtesans from the Passiflora brothel in Novigrad. These two were the ones that actually caught my eye, while the rest were just tits and ass, nothing more. Narcissa specifically, I didn’t think anything of when I first walked through the brothel, she just looked like, well…a whore. While there’s nothing personality-wise that caught my attention with her, getting her down to her bare essentials really opened up my eyes. I figure it’s two things, the thigh-highs, cause I’m a sucker for those and oddly enough her hair. When done right, short hair for me is super sexy on a woman. Amrynn on the other hand has an unfair advantage from the get-go: She’s a freaking blonde-haired elf! Is it even possible to design an ugly blonde elf without actually going out of your way to do it? But she has a little something personality-wise that caught my attention too. She carries extra confidence with her and really doesn’t care what people think of her because she’s an elf. I like that about her. So both of them got extra visits, especially Amrynn.

The best view of Yennefer

The best view of Yennefer

Yennefer’s the odd one out in this game, but saying you’re the odd girl out of a Witcher game in terms of sex appeal is like saying you’re the odd piece of bacon out of a batch in terms of pure deliciousness. While some of the girls in The Witcher are dead sexy, Yennefer manages to hold down the elegant beauty fort while she’s secretly just as sexy as the rest of them. Though in terms of her personality, she drifted from good to bad with me at times during the course of the game. Sometimes she’s just a total bitch, but when you get her when she’s vulnerable, she brings out a much calmer, beautiful side to her. Just don’t piss her off. Also, special note to the unicorn scene with her and Geralt. Classic.

You said it, Triss

You said it, Triss!

Triss is easily the sexiest of all the girls and like Amrynn, she has a very unfair advantage over the rest of the field: She’s a freaking redhead! There are two things in real-life that grab my attention the quickest in terms of attractive girls: One, being Asian and two, red freaking hair. I wasn’t the biggest fan of Triss’ primary outfit in The Witcher 3, but when you’re that gorgeous and it’s easier to keep my eyes up at her eye level due to her hair, it’s hard to take any points off her for it. Personality-wise, she’s in pretty decent shape, she can be a bit of a bitch at times, but she has a damn good reason for it when she is. Otherwise, she’s very strong like Yennefer is, though she has a little more open ground for you to tread on, while Yennefer tends to come off as someone you’d back down from more often. Triss is a far more enjoyable date it seems, you can see yourself having a lot more fun (and I’m not even talking about sex) with her wherever you may go. And come on, red goddamn hair!

Ciri, beautiful no matter how many scar she gets

Ciri, beautiful no matter how many scars she gets

There is nothing in Witcher 3 that holds a candle to Ciri. Not Triss with her red hair, not Yennefer with her unicorn, not Amrynn with her elven hotness, not a thing. Ciri is leaps and bounds the best girl in the game and one of the best female characters on the entire 2015 game scene. She is the best personality the game offers, she’s can be cute, she can be funny, she can be serious, she can be downright dangerous. And the fact that she remains as pretty as she is even with the scars all over her body and the large one across her left cheek. It then came as a huge shock to me that we actually got to see her undressed during the sauna bath scene, though without PC mods, you don’t get the nudity with her that you get with the rest of the female cast, which is a shame but at the same time preserves her innocence, which kind of makes sense when you think about it. The game is centered around Geralt and his story, it would be odd to see his daughter naked. But she is damn beautiful and through mods, you can really get a feel (not literally of course) of just how pretty she is.

Sex scene with Triss

Sex scene with Triss

The way Witcher 3 handles sex is perfect. How you may ask? By not giving a fuck, that’s how. Geralt has multiple ways to get laid, he either puts in the work with Yennefer or Triss and has a loving relationship with either of them, or both which leads to a hilarious “threesome” scene towards the end of the game. He gets rewarded with a quick fuck like he does with Keira. Or he goes to the nearest brothel, throws some coin and gets whatever piece of ass he wants at the time, whether it’s a blonde elf, a short-haired vixen…or a blonde elf. I can’t count how many times I replayed Amrynn’s sex scene. But the player has the choice to enjoy their fantasy sex life however they wish, they could fuck until their dicks fall off at the brothel, or pick one girl, in particular Triss or Yennefer and stick to just the one they pick (though I think you’ll have to show Keira a good time no matter what). Granted, you can’t change sides and find a nice man to bed, but keep in mind this isn’t a character you created, you’re playing Geralt, who is safe to assume as a straight male. But in terms of how he lives his life, you have free reign to do whatever you please.

The scenes themselves are a little copy and paste for the majority of them, but they don’t shy away regardless. You get almost full nudity, minus the genitalia around the pelvic area. You get full on bare ass and bare breasts and they don’t even shy away from the thrusting, not to mention the girls moan in pleasure, something that honestly isn’t done often. It’s a weird issue we have with sexual content in media, a lot of the time while we may see the girls enjoying it, we don’t often hear it.

And is there a problem with these scenes? I’m sure you’re surprised by my answer, but ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Once again, there should be far less issue with sex than violence and a game like Witcher 3, which is made in Europe, shows that side of the spectrum. And like I said earlier, CD Projekt Red handles sex very maturely in the sense that they don’t pull their punches. Everything in this game in terms of sexual content comes off natural and normal.

Sometimes you just want a quick fuck. Unfortunately, there’s no Amrynn in our world. *sadface*

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