Hey there, if you’re reading this article, I am fully expecting that you have either already watched the movie or you had zero plans to actually watch it and are just interested in what happens during the film. But one more time, as if the title of the article and the cover image isn’t enough already, this article will contain massive spoilers for the entire film! So please, if you haven’t watched the movie and don’t want to be spoiled, DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE!!! Okay? Okay, let’s get to it then.
Once again, Ben Affleck was fucking solid as Batman/Bruce Wayne in the film. I love the idea that they’re pulling out a new kind of Batman that we haven’t seen on the silver screen before (unless I’m forgetting someone), where he’s an angry, senseless, revenge seeking killer of a Batman. Seriously, his kill count in the movie cannot be counting on your hands, maybe even all your toes too. Man, that fight scene when he’s saving Superman’s mother, holy shit was that badass and violent. I know some fans will be very put off by this Batman, since “Batman tries not to kill”, but in a film where he needed the motivation (in a two-hour timeframe) to want to kill Superman, especially when he’s saving people more than he’s “causing the deaths of thousands”, having Batman as a Bruce Wayne who’s not on the right side of the moral scale is perfect for just that.
Jesse Eisenberg was an impressive…character in the film, I don’t know if I can say with a straight face that he was a good Lex Luthor though. However, any time he spent on screen, I enjoyed the fuck out of it, his insanity was infectious. Perhaps he’s suited for more of a Joker or Riddler kind of role than Lex?
I can’t say too much about all the potential Justice League characters, but at the very least Wonder Woman in full-costume looked beautiful and fucking perfect. Flash is still Flash, Cyborg seems like it’ll be a really interesting character development and Aquaman, well…we’ll get to him later.
The beauty of me not watching much of the trailers that were released and shunning out most of it really made the movie better for me. I sat down in the theater knowing fuck all about the picture, which meant the reveal of Doomsday was a huge pop for me, while others knew it was coming. So anything that happened in the movie came as a relative surprise for me.
And lastly, I already mentioned it in the non-spoiler review, but the action sequences and fights in the movie were all really good, I can’t take that away from the movie. If there was a fight going on, it was entertaining, especially the Batman/Superman fight. It went exactly as one would expect it to go, Superman whipped Batman’s ass the whole way through until the final desperation acts with the Kryptonite gas had to come into play. Although I feel like they could’ve had a little more planning on Batman’s part just to show how much time he thought this through. A couple turrets and stuff doesn’t really work for me. The spear was pretty much his only trump card.
Holy fucking shit the first hour of this movie was boring! Really, DC? We had to start with Batman’s parents again? But most of all, the first hour of the movie for the most part was completely uneventful, it was a ton of talking! This is a fucking mega-superhero movie, where was all the action?! Instead, we’re treated to a ton of dialogue, a ton of pretentious filler bullshit and a whole lot of “Everyone thinks Superman is bad!” political idiocy. It was the polar opposite of what every single person in theater wanted to see.
Jesse Eisenberg as much as I loved his acting in this film, is not Lex Luthor. He played a psychotic preacher Mark Zuckerburg in this film. Don’t get me wrong, I like psychotic preacher Mark Zuckerburg, but I came to see Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor, not psychotic preacher Mark Zuckerburg. How the fuck did you mess this up, DC and Warner Bros.?!
The Justice League cast were just tossed into the pit of this movie and DC stood in the middle, waving their arms frantically going “HEY! JUSTICE LEAGUE! JUS. TIS. LEAGUE!!! LOOK! FLASH! AQUAMAN! CYBORG! JUSTICE LEAGUE! JUSTICE LEEEEEEEEEEAGUE!!!” as if we had no idea this was coming. Guys, you laid out the film schedule, we know what’s coming. You didn’t need to bash us over the head with a pointless computer file screen showing the logos (which would’ve been fine if they left the other three alone and just focused on Wonder Woman’s file) and then have videos play that basically say “THIS IS FLASH!!!”, “THIS IS AQUAMAN!!!”, “THIS IS CYBORG!!!” without any subtlety whatsoever. Sweet Jesus, DC. You know that we know what you know, right? You don’t need to take this information, shape it into a bat and start whacking us across the side of the head with it. We know. We’re ready. Now fuck off and go make it happen properly.
Doomsday while it was a surprise for me, sucked. He just pops out and becomes the final boss of the movie, like a lot of JRPGs love to do, just pop in the real final boss at the very end. Doomsday is not fucking Zeromus or Yu Yevon, DC! He should have been front and center throughout an entire movie, not even this one! The title of this film is BATMAN VS SUPERMAN, why are you shoehorning in a villain who should be the central villain of an entire movie, not the last 15 minutes of one?! Also, the whole energy thing causing him to deform, it was dumb, he should’ve been that final form the whole time. What the fuck, guys?!
Speaking of which…
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WAS THAT NIGHTMARE BATMAN WAS HAVING AND WHERE THE FUCK DID IT COME FROM?! The placement of this scene made no sense, it made us think the movie fast-forwarded years into the future and was going to stay there.
Really? All it took was for Superman to say the name “Martha” and that stopped Batman dead in his tracks. Really? I know that’s his mother’s name as well, but after all the violence and killing Batman’s done, all the preparations to kill Superman, a single name stops him. It was fine when Lois revealed the whole thing, but for Batman to straight up stop from a name makes him look pathetic.
Lastly, this is the big one. Ahem…
WHY THE FUCKING FUCK YOU FUCKING MORONS DID YOU FUCKING KILL MOTHERFUCKING SUPERMAN YOU FUCKING IMBECILES?!!!
This is the first fucking movie, DC! What the fuck are you doing having this already happen?! We haven’t even had one Justice League movie yet and you fucking kill off Superman?! What the fuck are you thinking?! You can’t top this now! Any death in the series will not mean more than this! You wasted this moment! People have not become comfortable with Superman quite yet, we’re still settling into this cinematic universe. I’m well aware Superman will come back (it would be real interesting if the majority of Justice League, if not all of it is without him), but seriously? You’re doing this already? This should’ve been post-Justice League, like perhaps a Superman movie where Doomsday is the central villain like I was talking about earlier. This should’ve been a Lex Luthor central movie and they turned him into the fucking Joker instead. So what now, DC? What are you going to do to top the death of Superman? Because there ain’t much you can do now. A lot of people are theorizing that the Injustice storyline could be the end goal of all this, which I suppose would be kind of cool, but it doesn’t forgive the clearly lazy, rushed writing of this movie to try and make pace with what Marvel has been successfully doing for years now.
I don’t pretend to know a whole lot about the DC universe and lore, but I know bad writing when I see it. This movie just hemorrhages shit writing, and exudes a ton of garbage with this pretentious “This is serious business, folks.” shit that DC continues to throw at their movies. You want to be like Marvel, right? Then why are you releasing so many boring superhero films?! Y’know, what? Just stop. I’m done. Unless I’m dragged into another one of your movies, I have zero intentions of watching one of your next movies of my own accord.
Go home, DC. You’re drunk.