REVIEW: WrestleMania 32

01

NOTE: Didn’t watch the pre-show, cause who gives a fuck?!

ZACK FUCKING RYDER!!! def. Kevin Owens, Stardust, Sami Zayn, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler to win the WWE Intercontinental Championship

  • How weird is it to see Zack Ryder at a WrestleMania?
  • Immediate face off between Owens and Zayn, awesome crowd reaction
  • Holy crap! Zayn topes through the ladder out to the crowd and then does the corner rope DDT in the same spot!
  • No one catches Sin Cara the one time he doesn’t botch something
  • Superkick party from Dolph with a Shawn Micheals tribute with Sweet Chin Music
  • Stardust getting his own ladder with the Dusty polka dots
  • Frog Splash by Owens onto Zayn onto the ladder, looked painful
  • Ryder with an elbow drop from the top of the ladder
  • Hard to tell if Dolph is actually hurt or not after that fall
  • Oh no…Stardust is lying on the ladder between the ring and barricade…Sin Cara thrown off the ladder ends up splashing on Stardust to break the ladder in half
  • Owens and Zayn fighting just under the belt on the ladder and Zayn suplexs Owens onto another ladder after they get to the bottom, looks like Owens hit his head
  • Oh don’t fucking tell me Miz is going to win…WHAT, RYDER?! OH MY GOD!!!
  • Gets to hug his dad on the biggest stage of all, wow what a moment

Score: 4.5/5

Chris Jericho def. AJ Styles

  • Nice to see a different colour scheme from Styles, it’s been a while
  • For a moment I thought they were going to do a Styles Clash from the top rope a la Kota Ibushi, but no
  • Can’t say much about this first half of the match other than it’s a great wrestling match, nothing so far in terms of spots
  • Pele kick transitioned into the Walls of Jericho, very smooth
  • Looks like Styles is positioned for the Calf Crusher and is, gets it on but Jericho elbows out of it
  • Codebreaker reversed into the Clash but reversed too
  • Flying forearm and…misses into a Codebreaker, but Styles kicks out
  • Jericho tries to do his own Styles Clash, but Styles reverses it into a reverse facebuster for a two count
  • Finally, Styles gets a Clash in and Jericho barely gets out of it before the three count
  • Styles goes for springboard 450 but another near fall, great move there
  • Styles goes for the forearm again but it’s taking too long, I fear Styles is about to lose here…falls into a Codebreaker and Jericho wins

Score: 3.75/5

The League of Nations def. The New Day

  • Giant Booty O’s box, oh my god that’s hilarious
  • Super Saiyan New Day, holy fuck that’s awesome
  • Has Rusev gotten thinner?
  • Big E does the spear to the outside, looks like he landed head first to the floor
  • After a distraction, Barrett hits Woods, Brogue Kick and game over. Ugh
  • So for some reason, HBK comes out to interrupt (WITH HIS GEAR ON) with Mick Foley and…no way…OH MY GOD!!! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
  • With the New Day’s help, they go nuts on the League of Nations
  • I’m turning 12 again
  • Cole’s JR impression sucked ass though
  • DTA, don’t trust anybody, Xavier Woods!

Score: 2.75/5…then a 10/5 for nostalgia

Brock Lesnar def. Dean Ambrose

  • Domination until Ambrose gets a low blow on Lesnar and starts the Kendo stick hits
  • Of course you can’t use a chainsaw, Dean! It’s a PG show, man!
  • Fire extinguisher added to the mix, love how Paul’s complaining about it even though it’s no DQ
  • DDT on a pile of chairs but still can’t keep Lesnar down
  • Grabs the barbed wire bat, “Batter up, bitch!”
  • Misses and Lesnar hits the F5 on the chairs and wins
  • Ambrose should’ve at least kicked out of one F5 to cement his never say die attitude, this match ended too quickly

Score: 3/5

Charlotte def. Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks to become the new WWE WOMEN’S Champion

  • All the entrances are cool, Becky’s on a grander scale, Sasha with Snoop (the other bitch sucked) and Charlotte with her Dad’s robe remade for her
  • Great exchange with Charlotte having the figure four and Sasha literally out of nowhere with the Frog Splash
  • Sasha messing up the suicide dive ends up somersaulting onto Charlotte
  • Stream died for a minute but got it back to catch the moonsault to the two girls
  • Great exchange of submissions but no winner yet
  • Top rope suplex from Becky to Charlotte
  • Charlotte wins though with the Figure Eight
  • WHY ARE ALL THE HEELS WINNING TONIGHT?!
  • Is this the price we’re all paying for Zack Ryder winning a match?
  • Great match though

Score: 4/5

Undertaker def. Shane McMahon

  • Going to be very interesting to see how they write this match to make Shane look credible here
  • His kicks look better than his punches
  • Shane takes a beating for a while until somehow getting a triangle hold on Taker, his first real offence of the match
  • Chokeslam on the steps, but Shane kicks out
  • Shane leading in Taker for a DDT on the stairs, nice spot
  • Taker gets Hell’s Gate on Shane, logic would dictate this is it, how do they write Shane out of this? He somehow reverses it into a sharpshooter
  • Coast to Coast time!!!
  • Shane cuts the wall of the cage, so you know a spot’s getting set up
  • Taker grabs Shane and puts him through the cage, so now we wait for the climb
  • Taker starts taking stuff off the table, only makes the spot more possible, perhaps an elbow drop from the top of the cage?
  • Looks like Taker’s gonna tombstone him but Shane turns it into a sleeper hold but then Taker with Shane on his back jumps through a table, sending Shane to to floor
  • Shane grabs a toolbox and hits Taker with it, probably setting him up to the get onto the table
  • Sure enough, hits him and Taker’s on the table, you know what’s coming next, the fans can tell too
  • Shane starts climbing the cage, oh boy, here we go
  • He dives and Taker moves, my god…
  • Taker grabs Shane and brings him in for a Tombstone. Sigh…and it’s over
  • It’s clear this match got put together last minute, because otherwise the result would’ve been different, you don’t make stipulations this integral without meaning something, this whole storyline means nothing now
  • Because by storyline…Shane is no longer a McMahon, y’know, Vince disowned him

Score: 3.75/5

BARON CORBIN?!!! wins the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

  • Baron Corbin sneaking in there
  • DDP?!!
  • Ugh, you know Mark Henry’s winning this, because he’s from Texas and this match is a throwaway anyways
  • Uh…Shaq? What the fuck?
  • Whoa! Tatanka’s in there!
  • Sandow’s still over, WWE
  • Everyone else eliminate Big Show and Shaq
  • Where’s Mark Henry? Did he get eliminated and I missed it?
  • Nah, he’s still in, shows up after the Social Outcast victory lap fail
  • BARON CORBIN WON?!!!
  • What the fuck is going on with the results?! Ryder wins IC title and an NXT debut wins the battle royal?! This is fucking weird…
  • Battle royal was boring though, lol

Score: 2/5

SIDE NOTE: Dear WWE, stop going to warm states just to have outdoor WrestleManias. You know London’s Wembley is waiting, right? Also, the Rogers Center Skydome hasn’t had one in 15 years. Fuck off, Florida.

2nd SIDE NOTE: No one fucking cares about the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. Fuck you, WWE.

3rd SIDE NOTE: Why does Black Adam have a flamethrower? And how is this supposed to get Roman Reigns over, pal? This is so fucking weird…why is this a thing after having HBK, Foley and Austin for a real moment? Oh, to put over WWE for having 101,763 in attendance to break their record. Really? That’s it? The Rock showed up just to say a bunch of people showed up. Jesus fucking Christ, WWE…

Huh? Wyatts? Also it’s ten minutes to 11pm, uh…shouldn’t you be wrapping this up? Cause Bray’s gonna ramble for like…15 minutes. And then Rock’ll have to make jokes for a half hour. And…impromptu match.

Rock def. Erick Rowan (shocking, right?)

  • Rock Bottom in six seconds
  • Breaks the record held by Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus

Score: Huh?/5

4th SIDE NOTE: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, THE FRUITY PEBBLES MASCOT IS BACK!!!

Roman Reigns def. Triple H to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

  • Well that was a entrance, don’t want to see Steph like that again
  • To be fair though, her speech pretty much is how Vince feels about his relationship with the fans
  • WWE tried and failed miserably to quiet down those boos
  • Really? The fireworks outside the arena BEFORE he wins? Really?!
  • I swear to god, the only saving of this match is a Finger Poke of Doom
  • It’s so funny having the shot of the one guy clapping for Roman and he’s wearing a Cena shirt
  • Well Finger Poke is now out, so here we go…
  • My housemate Dan and I spend more time talking about who’d win in a fight between Batman and Superman than me watching this match, honestly. The crowd noise is all I needed to know what was going on
  • I’d call spots, but the only things I can call right now are the boos or the fact it’s weird seeing Stephanie McMahon looking sexy
  • We’ve had conversations about comic books, feminism and people protesting yoga while watching this match. Hoo-ray!
  • Somewhere Roman speared Triple H through the barricade and I missed it…yeah I’m not paying much attention
  • Loving the piece of pink confetti from Sasha’s entrance on Trips’ forehead
  • A Fujiwara armbar from Triple H? Interesting
  • Spear but Steph pulls the ref out
  • Light cheer for Roman only because he speared Stephanie
  • Pedigree for a near fall
  • Trips gets the sledge, but gets two punches and a Spear and it’s over…oh my god they couldn’t have done it worse
  • One of the worst main events ever and the most disappointing WM for me personally watching it live

Score: 2.25/5

Overall Score: 2.75/5

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