It’s been quite a while since I put one of these up, just about six months in fact. Which is actually pretty surprising to me given how fucked up my dreams tend to be, I usually have more than enough fodder to break out one of these articles every month. But either I somehow went almost six months without something memorable or I just didn’t feel like typing a quick synopsis in my phone for me to post the next day. Sleep trumps all, I guess.
The title of this edition of Radical Dreamers perfectly encapsulates the kind of dreams I have and in particular this dream I had last night. If there’s one thing I hate about my imagination when it comes to dreaming (other than waking me up just before I’m about to get laid) is that very often in my dreams, my own imagination will turn on me and make me watch something that if it really happened would mentally scar me for the rest of my life. However, it’s not through scare tactics, I’m not being scarred by fear, I’m being scarred by loss.
I don’t recall the beginning of this specific dream that caused the sheer emotional distraught I experienced, but it was definitely one of those dreams that was long enough to establish characters, feelings towards them and an understanding of how serious this was.
Where I can recall this dream has it starting at an indoor pool. Now in my dreams, a lot of places are skewed versions of places I know, sometimes they’re mixtures of several places I’ve been to, other times it’s one place that has been changed to become almost unrecognizable. In this case, the indoor pool was like if my elementary school gym got turned into a two-story public pool and apparently the designers of this building thought putting the pool in the center of the room wasn’t a great idea, so there was a ton of empty floor space on the left side of the room. Instead of the usual bricked walls, there was a second story complete with windows overlooking the pool and a bit of a catwalk for people to stand on and look over the pool as well.
There were six of us at the pool, two men, four women. I’m unsure if I knew all of them, but there were three key people, all of them female. One was my mother, as my dreams love to put her in danger, the other two were girls my age, but one of them in particular had my exerting an emotion I rarely feel in dreams. Even now as I’m recalling this dream and thinking about this, I still maintain that I felt like this girl, who I don’t recognize from anything in real life, is someone I was deeply in love with. It’s a very strange feeling to have when in reality that kind of feeling should be reserved for those who you’ve been close to for a significant amount of time. To have this emotion towards someone that in actuality I knew for an hour at most is very odd, but in this dream I felt like I’d known her my entire life.
Now there were six of us there, but in the back of my mind I was aware of two other girls. I’m assuming as I try to recall this dream that the beginning I’ve forgotten is part of why I’m aware of them. One girl in particular of the two I had kept in my mind as a dangerous girl who has a jealous streak. And that certainly came into play in a moment’s time.
I should’ve known this dream wasn’t real from the moment I got in the pool. Why? Because I need to plug my nose to be able to go underwater without breathing in the water up my nose, so when not only did I dive into the pool, but I did it perfectly with a front flip, you’d think I would’ve caught on and just tried to forcefully end the dream like I do when I realize I’m in a nightmare.
For those curious, I am able to be self-aware in a dream and when I do, I end up screaming which calls out the “puppetmaster” of the dream so the speak to come after me, in which I drop to the floor as I “pass out” from the dream and wake up to real life. This puppetmaster is usually one of three things, it’s one of my pets (because of course the cutest things have to attack you), a family member, or the strangest and scariest one of all, a terrifying Gollum-like figure resembling a pencil-drawn caricature of I believe my great grandfather on my mother’s side, a picture that frightened the shit out of me as a child and it’s lasted all this time.
Back to the dream though, because my dumb ass couldn’t figure out I can’t do a perfect front flip dive into a pool like I’m an Olympic diver, I continued to have fun with those in the pool, of course including this beautiful girl I must’ve been at the very least in a long-term relationship with at this point. I remember everything about her distinctly, her long light brown hair, those shiny blue eyes, the red and dark blue one-piece swimsuit that resembled what you’d see a competitive swimmer wear. She was super cute, her laugh was infectious, it’s just a real shame I didn’t have enough time to have a legitimate conversation with her before this initially fantastic dream had to come to an abrupt end.
I looked up as I got out of the pool, probably for another dive, maybe a backflip this time, since I was such a boss in this dream. On the catwalk, there was one of those two girls, but not the one I associated the jealousy with, this was her friend so to speak. She leaped down from the catwalk and I perceived that as she was about to cause trouble, if I can recall the dream correctly, I’d like to think I thought she had a gun, so I rushed her and unlike most dreams, I succeeded at apprehending someone. I brought her over towards the office of the pool (which if this dream was real, it would’ve actually been the elementary school gym’s equipment room) and when I realized she was completely unarmed, I knew something was wrong. I looked up, saw the window above shatter and a small object being thrown into the pool. Without hesitation I pushed the girl aside and rushed to the pool, grabbing the arms of the two nearest people, which was my mother and the girl I knew who wasn’t my love interest. I was trying as fast as I could to go around to the other side of the pool to get to her, but I was too late…
I was forced to watch this girl I was deeply in love with, as well as the other guy’s girlfriend (at least I assumed this) be still in the pool when this object exploded as an electric grenade. I had to watch two women including the one I “loved” be electrocuted to death.
This is where the title of the article comes into play. At the moment this happened and I watched as my love screamed out in pain as she was frying in the water, I feel to my knees, hands over her mouth as I wailed and wailed over this murder I couldn’t stop. I hate my dreams for being as real as they can be. They often make me respond to events like this with the full emotions as if this were all real. I wish every single day of my life that I had free reign over my dreaming, that I could keep myself from having nightmares, that I could keep myself from feeling emotional and/or physical pain. That way, I wouldn’t wake up pissed off with my own mind and imagination. Was not a fun abrupt wake up at 5am.
What bothers me the most is I didn’t get a chance to confront the girl that I know threw that grenade, regardless of the fact that I can’t recall her figure, I know who it was. I woke up as I cried my eyes out over the loss in front of me. I don’t know why my dream didn’t allow me the chance to confront this girl, it’s not like I’m ever capable of fighting anyone in my dreams. Apparently I have the punching speed of a snail and the punching power of a feather in my dreams, it’s fucking bullshit!
This was one of the most horrifying dreams I’ve ever had. Probably the worst one, which has stood with me for about two years now was when I had to watch my mother be shot and killed by terrorists while we were on a vacation somewhere we probably shouldn’t have gone to for a vacation. But out of any dream I’ve had since starting the blog, this is without question the most emotionally painful and painfully realistic dream I’ve had.
So with all that out in the open, thanks for reading my imaginary bullshit dream story and I’d like to end with a message:
I did not know you for very long, yet I felt like I knew you my entire life. You brought happiness and joy to my heart, the moments we shared together were lovely and I wish we could’ve gone on forever like that. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you, I failed you. I hope you’ll one day forgive me. But then again, you’re not real, so I guess I don’t have to worry about that, do I?
So rest in peace, Victoria. I hope someday I’ll dream of you again and we can talk once more. Unless you’re going to die in another horrifying way, in which case I’ll stick to just not getting laid ever in my dreams.