I’ve casually mentioned it a couple of times in various articles I’ve posted on the site that pertain to sexuality. Whether it’s my fight to not get sexual content censored, rather have all forms of media include “fanservice” of both men and women in their content, whether it’s my comments about people “announcing” their sexuality to the world and how it’s not newsworthy, nor does it define you as a person, whether it’s any other post that I’ve talked about that carries a sexual overtone to it, I’ve mentioned a “deep, dark secret” about myself that my mind is completely insignificant, but in the current society, it’s actually a big deal apparently.
So I’ll say it again and I’ll try to explain it as best I can, because the subject of this article is about the nature of my sexuality and how I’ve handled it in the past couple years.
The best way to explain my sexuality is that I am bisexual, but when it comes to men, I’ve had a lot of trouble converting that curiosity and desire into real life. It may sound strange to some reading this, but when it comes to males, I have not found a single male in my life that I’ve been sexually attracted to. The only males I’ve taken a sexual interest in are fictional and mostly within anime/manga. Now I’m not saying that there isn’t a single male in real life I’m attracted to, I have found pictures and videos of some were there is an attraction, but they’re not people I’ve seen and met in person, so to me, it’s under the same banner as a fictional character. They’re a person I’m seeing through the looking glass, they’re not real people to me, they’re characters in a way.
The transition started very slowly. I’m constantly looking for more anime art, so I’m always going through galleries full of pictures of anything and everything you can find. So it’s no surprise that I would eventually come across more feminine and androgynous looking males through these many anime galleries. At the beginning, I just ignored it, a lot of the time it wasn’t very good art either, which immediately turns me off of even the hottest anime girl ever. If the art isn’t great, I’m not interested. So over time, I started to come across a lot better quality of art drawn with more feminine-looking boys, to the point that I had to take notice. I never really considered the idea of sex with a male, so my brain was pretty much wired to only react to the female body, now all of a sudden I’m coming across these anime images of guys that pretty much look like flat-chested girls through and through.
It was initially a weird time in my head. 20+ years of the idea that since I had a mother and a father in the house, it must be normal and correct to only pursue the opposite sex, so for me as a boy, I should only be interested in girls. I certainly went that route all the way through puberty, not once did I ever consider the idea of gay sex, hell it’s even possible that during my entire time in high school I never even heard of the term, as my high school years were just before the explosion of LGBT culture. Now I knew of lesbians because as a teenager, of course you’re watching porn even though you’re not 18 yet, but my brain never put together the idea that if two women could have sex together, so could two guys. In my skewed views at that point, I was just watching lesbian porn cause it was more girls and I wasn’t having to stare at some guy’s junk!
So when I started finding these pictures of feminine male anime characters, at 27 years old it really messes with you, trying to change years of opinions, thoughts, perceptions, all that shit. But it helped that I started off with characters that I could have just as easily perceived as being girls. So long as the pants were still on, or they had their backs facing the camera, I didn’t know any different, right? They looked like girls, but they were guys, it was still a little confusing in my brain, but I was finding a way to accept the sudden influx of new thoughts, opinions and perceptions that were flooding through my head.
Hitting puberty at 12 years old and 15 years later I was having new sexual thoughts. Granted, it was held in a very specific light, keeping the characters I was daydreaming about still looking quite feminine, perhaps my brain trying to convince myself that I was still more interested in females and to stick down that path. When you’re first having these kinds of thoughts, you instinctively try to fight it. It’s like anything in life when a major change takes place, you try to avoid it, ignore it, it’s something new and different, you initially try to push it away because you’re so used to the status quo, the things you know and know well.
What ultimately changed me over completely to the side was a specific artist. He goes by Mazjojo and is the founder of BlackMonkey Pro which does a ton of yaoi art. It was his specific stuff that really made me take an interest in “100% male” characters, guys that are undeniably male, there’s no gray area with them being feminine or anything, they’re without a shadow of a doubt a boy. For reference, here (WARNING: NSFW!) is a picture of Gray from Fairy Tail, a character I had zero interest in, but upon finding this image, my attention is suddenly directed towards the guy. I had no interest in guys, especially bigger, more muscular men, but Mazjojo’s stuff was so damn good that my mind completed changed. It took a little while, but there came a point where I couldn’t deny it anymore, I was sexually attracted to a lot of the characters Mazjojo drew. It was really weird suddenly becoming attracted to Soma from Food Wars and Sin from Guilty Gear, that’s a real interesting exchange going on in your brain when you’re suddenly attracted to characters you’ve known long before coming across art of them in very precarious positions.
So now I’ve gone in the span of a year or so from not even thinking about the idea of another guy in a sexual manner, all the way to wishing the entire cast of Free! would suddenly appear before me and line up for a long round of fun. This all took place just before I started writing on this blog, I had these thoughts at the time the page started and it took another six months thereafter to finally get to the point of being comfortable with my new sexual preferences.
I was already more than okay with talking about sex and protecting it from being censored in media, but it wasn’t until that six month mark that I came to the conclusion that I shouldn’t just be fighting the content that SJWs, feminists, parents and politicians alike are trying to censor. Instead of just focusing on the censorship of female-based ecchi content, I should also be fighting for the addition of more male-based ecchi content. Now this isn’t necessarily due to me suddenly now being attracted to men and wanting to see more boy butts, but I do believe that it plays a part in me wanting both genders to be used equally in these kinds of situations. Now being attracted to both sides really hammers it home that I should be going after equal opportunity, not because I want to see it, but because it’s the only real way to make anything exist. Both sides need to have their due, the second anything is skewed in one direction, it will be criticized and it will be slammed by those who don’t like it or agree with it.
Becoming aware of the attractiveness of both the opposite and now my own gender has really changed my stance on a lot of things. Not specifically the opinion, but I’ve more broadened a lot of the opinions I already hold. What’s helped the most is that I’ve started opening my mind to stuff I normally wouldn’t have given a shot. Now male-dominant anime get the opportunity to suck just like all the female-dominated shows do. I’m giving male characters a chance in games that offer the same-sex option, though in the case of Mass Effect: Andromeda, sorry boys, but there are too many great female choices here.
At the current moment I’m writing this, I still stay in the same weird area I’m in when it comes to my bisexuality. I still don’t know any men in real life I’d have any interest in sexually, my focus still stays particularly in anime-drawn males, those get my attention. This is large in part to anime being an art of perfection, as I’ve stated before. As it stands, I’m 29 years old, I consider myself to be bisexual, but I fully believe that when I die, I will have never experienced sex with another male. Having no attractive men around me to instill that desire does play a part in it, but the obvious major reason I suspect I’ll never cross off that line on my bucket list is that I’m in a relationship and have been for over 9 years now, which the girl I still love just as much as I did when our relationship started.
So to all the hot gay and bisexual guys out there, I’m sorry that you had a +1 on the list for you to go after and then it was immediately taken by a girl!