We Need To Reassess What A “Sexy” Halloween Costume Is…

It’s the end of October, so you know what time that means…

You guessed it! It’s “gain 5-10 pounds from eating a shitload of candy and chocolate” time! But I suppose we also know this time of year as the week-long celebration of Halloween where we all get together and dress up in poorly executed costumes of fictional characters, celebrities and the occasional inside joke that only two people in a group of 50 will figure out.

I walked into a Halloween store the other day just to see if there was anything that grabbed my attention. I don’t normally wear a costume (and I’ve ended up deciding not to again this year), but I was hoping to come across something that made me go “Holy shit, I’ve gotta get this!”. But that didn’t happen and instead, I got a little inspiration for a Halloween article.

There’s always “that section” in Halloween stores. You know exactly what I’m talking about, the sexy girl costume section. Every year I raise my eyebrow at it. Why? Because I have to question the kinds of costumes that you find in those sections. Sexy nurse, sexy police officer, sexy maid, sexy firefighter, sexy witch, sexy librarian, sexy hot dog. Okay, I might’ve made that last one up, though I would not be shocked if some costume maker thought that would be a good idea.

So let’s counter all these common “sexy” costumes shall we?

  1. Sexy Nurse – How old is this fucking fantasy? Does anyone even dream of that nowadays? I know anime doesn’t even go that route anymore and there was a massive flood of nurse hentai in the 90s and early 2000s. I’m pretty sure we’ve now stopped associating trips to a place specifically known for illness and death as a place where sex may occur
  2. Sexy Police Officer – I think in this day and age where we’re having problems with the way the police do their job, whether you think they’re doing a good or a bad job, there really isn’t anything sexy about the police anymore. Not to mention, if you really want an excuse to use handcuffs, there’s a million other and better ways to roleplay that shit
  3. Sexy Maid – Come on folks, this is the 21st century. The only place this works anymore is in Japan where maid cafés are the norm.
  4. Sexy Firefighter – There is nothing sexy about that hat. Stop it.
  5. Sexy Witch – …Actually I can’t fight that one, I just start thinking about how hot Morrigan from the Dragon Age games are. Maybe if we’re talking the Wizard of Oz witch, then I have a case with that ugly green face, but yeah, I think we can pull witches off still.
  6. Sexy Librarian – What’s the point? You’d have to be quiet when having sex anyways!

There’s other obvious ones out there, like devils, angels, vampires, all that jazz. I always hate seeing that section cause more than half of it is so unoriginal and having the biggest void of creativity. What happened to people being clever and putting in an effort to coming up with good ideas for costumes?

Now you’ll notice that in the main picture for this article I had the archetypal plain ‘ol sexy nurse against a sexy Wonder Woman. No, I’m not saying that we need sexy costumes that specifically target niche markets only, like comic books, video games, anime, TV shows, all that jazz. I certainly have no quarrels with people dressing up as Wonder Woman, Lara Croft (before her modern update), Faye Valentine (Cowboy Bebop), or anything like that, but in general, I want to go to parties and your average Halloween costume store and see something different, something I haven’t come across before.

And another thing. Can we stop being so fucking lazy, guys? Like seriously, the amount of better costumes between men and women is absolutely pathetic and I’m not even talking just about sexy costumes. It’s not even close the amount of bad ideas and bad executions of costumes I have seen that are men compared to women. We put no work into our stuff and that’s kind of annoying. In terms of being sexy as well, it’s blatantly obvious that we lean this kind of costume 99.9% towards women and not men. Fuck, even in my self-conscious form during my college years, I dressed up as Paul Stanley, with the full KISS makeup, jeans and yes, no shirt on, because my girlfriend insisted my chest is quite similar to that of Paul’s.

No more with the colossal void of ideas, boys, let’s put some work into it. We can’t all be Batman and Superman, quit being so goddamn predictable!

Let’s start putting some effort into Halloween again, folks. We’re adults, we should be walking around in better costumes than the kids do every year. And this applies to men too, stop taking any normal day job and make it “sexy” just by taking your shirt off. Quit being so fucking lazy!

(Here’s a few good examples)

Yes I didn’t forget about guys too…

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