It’s funny how things work sometimes. I was bored on Sunday night and I was looking through some of my old articles, because I had the thought that I hadn’t written a blog post aside from the anime weeklies in quite some time. Now I’ve been okay with this, as the transition back to YouTube has been successful thus far, I’ve been able to keep a decent flow of content coming. But my opinions really started flowing here on the blog, so once in a while I’d like to keep things running here.
So as I was browsing my old content, I came across this lovely article I wrote a full year ago (April 14th, 2017). It was an article that was long overdue for me in writing, being able to get something that at the time was new to me, something I wasn’t openly talking about so much. And that’d be my recent transition from a heterosexual male to a bisexual male.
If you’re curious about the original article, you can read it here.
A year later, if I was to tell you a lot changed, I’d be lying. My relationship has not changed one bit since writing that article. I’m still with my girlfriend and we’ve now reached 10 years together, a milestone that’s only serving to make my parents ask me more often when my girlfriend and I are getting married and having children, in which case I tune out, as neither are really in my peripheral vision at the moment and may never will. My 100% assurity of the fact that I do indeed have a sexual interest in the same-sex is definitely there and I know now that it will not fade away like it’s some phase. I am 100% bisexual through and through, it just appears that with my current life trajectory that I will never experience the “other side”.
This is where the majority of this post will be about. I’ve already told my story leading up to the moments where I accepted the evolution of my sexual interests. Now, it’s time to explore the realities of things, the fact that there are multiple reasons why I likely won’t ever see that other side of the sexual market, so to speak.
I’ve said it in the previous article on this topic and it still hasn’t changed much since then. I mentioned in that post that I know no one in real life who is male and I have a sexual attraction to. Though I will admit it’s easy to understand how this is the case. Given the body type and age range I appear to have that sexual interest in when it comes to men, I’m not exactly in the prime location to meet and hang around these kinds of guys. For starters, the guys I tend to have an interest in are very athletic (shocking, I know…) and while I do play recreational co-ed sports, I end up finding attractive girls in say a soccer league, whereas there aren’t really guys that grab my attention at all. I’m not a gym guy, so there’s another major location out of the way. I’ve tried the whole gym experience, I just think that for me, exercise is something I’d rather do either alone, or among friends. Lastly, I am 100% not into the club scene, so that is a major, MAJOR handicap I’m giving myself.
The other and more obvious problem I will inevitably have when it comes to exploring my bisexuality is the age gap that is ever-growing between me and the guys I appear to be into. As of right now, as a guy new to his 30s this year, the number of guys that look the way I’m attracted to begin to be less and less interested in me, based on my age. I would hazard a guess that the top echelon of guys I’m interested in right now fall into the 18-30 range and obviously as I get older, the odds of someone of that age range being interested in me continues to fall.
But most of all, and this is where I get most critical of myself, is just that I’m honestly not attractive enough to grab the attention of any of these guys that I’m interested in. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you I’m an ugly fuck, but I know that at best, I’m average and that’s about it. Admittedly, it’s been this acceptance that’s got me fired up about trying to take better care of my body. I’m hoping once I’m have my own living space again (and especially fridge space, because where I am right now, there’s literally none), I’ll eat better, exercise far more, all that jazz in the hopes of at the very least cutting the winter belly fat I’ve built up from being mostly indoors being lazy. After that, I can work on maybe putting some actual muscle on my body for the first time ever, as I’ve always been a thin guy.
At the very least, the past few years have really given me a chance to actually give an iota of shit about how I look. I’m certainly more aware of things like how my hair looks at any given moment, the kind of clothes I’m wearing for a certain occasion (normally I’d just wear an Iron Maiden t-shirt and jeans to everything), hell I’ve become a picky son of a bitch when it comes to underwear nowadays. And yes, that includes deciding when to wear boxers, or go all the way down to briefs. Hell, here’s another old article if you wanna check that out, click here, this one being a two-year old classic on another transition I went through, from plain ol’ boxers, to much more vibrant underwear.
A year ago, I made a post describing my initial journey into this newfound land I had no idea was as enticing as it was. A year later, I wouldn’t say a whole lot has changed since then. In terms of anime art, my preferences haven’t expanded at all, it’s pretty much the same stuff I’m paying attention to. In terms of real guys, I’ve certainly found more images online that have piqued my interest, but like I said earlier, finding such guys in real life has not been as easy.
I’m pretty much aware at this point that the kind of guys I’d be interested in are simply too high a bar for me to reach. I’ve said this to friends before, but I think this is the first time I’m saying this on the blog: I think we are all not just bisexual, but pansexual. Here’s the catch. Let’s say you’re an average run-of-the-mill, heterosexual guy. You’ve got an endless supply of girls to choose from, but guys? Not so much. You may think you have zero interest, but let’s be honest, if you had zero interest, you’d struggle to watch porn where you’re looking at a guy’s junk and ass.
So let’s take me for example. On the classic 1-10 scale, I personally view myself as a 5 and that might be generous given my winter belly fat now. From a heterosexual point of view, I’d reckon that I’d have an interest into girls that range from a 4 and up. Though like most people, when it comes to 4s, 5s and 6s, they have to fall into certain parameters. In my case, yes, it does have to do with the body type, race, the kind of clothes they wear, the hairstyle they have, things like that.
Now let’s take guys for a spin. If I was to guess the number for a guy to be considered “attractive” to my eyes, I think at the very least, they’d have to be an 8. And there’s that catch I was talking about earlier. If I’m into guys who are minimum an 8/10 and yet I’m a 5/10, that severely limits my options, doesn’t it? I mean if I was an 8, would I be interested in a 5, when I could just as easily have anything above a 7? It’s tough to say, but I have to assume that most people that high would not go that far down the range for a little tail. Thus my feelings on how it’s very likely I won’t ever experience that “other side”. Hell, this would even go for the transgender side of things, where that number is even higher, as I can count the number of transgender folk I have come across online that I would absolutely be interested in a night of fun with, I can count them on one hand.
I believe we all have an interest in every kind of person out there, hell even aliens we don’t even know exist. The only catch is that for some of these people, the number is unobtainable. There’s a heterosexual guy who’d be into having sex with a guy, but he’s never going to meet a 10/10 guy who’d be interested in him, hell that number may even be an 11, a level of attractiveness that can only be reached through fiction like anime, or through technology that we just don’t have yet. It’s how I started after all, I started finding attractive anime guys, where the levels range above 10, some I could say are in the 20s. And yes, I’m aware of how much sense this doesn’t make.
The difference is that some of us are able to slowly lower that bar, in the way that I started with anime guys and eventually opened up to the idea of something more than that, something real, something obtainable. I may not ever be able to touch that (both figuratively and certainly literally…), but I’ve opened up to the possibilities, and have accepted that there is more out there than just abiding by the status quo.
We’re not held down by what we consider to be traditional. We also don’t need to follow in the usual steps of people who are making that transition into being something other than your standard heterosexual human being. You don’t have to be flamboyant, you don’t have to be butch. You don’t have to like certain colours, hell you don’t even have to talk about wanting to suck a dick or eat some pussy. I’ve said it before, but I don’t think your sexuality really has much bearing on the kind of person you are. So don’t let your sexuality define what you have to be, how you dress, how you speak, how you act. Just be you, whatever “you” is.
And if that you also happens to think that the possibility of Ganondorf from the Zelda series being attractive as a younger, smaller male is a thing, then go for it! I know I did…