Category Archives: Gaming

Top 10 Female Video Game Characters I’d Marry

Two weeks ago I did a Top 10 featuring the 10 female characters in gaming I’d have a one-night stand with. This Top 10 is different, these girls are not just a fling for me. If these girls were real, I’d be more than happy to spend the rest of my life with each and every one of them. They are a perfect mixture of beauty and personality. They’re not just girls I can see myself hanging out with a lot, they’re girls that if the stars all aligned, I’d be willing to take a shot at seeing where things would go in a serious relationship.

A side note as well here, just like with the Top 10 Sleep With list, I have certain rules that apply to the girls on this list. In the Sleep With list, a lot of the girls on it applied because I knew for fact that a relationship would not be possible with them, for reasons such as their lifestyles, personalities or the simple fact they’d kill me if I got close. On this list, the girls I’m placing in are being set aside from the conflicts/battles they may fight in their respective material. I’m putting them on this list as if they were just real people in our world, void of aliens, monsters, wars, etc.

Now once again, let’s remember that this is all my personal opinion here. My tastes in women are far different than all of your tastes, so there are going to be characters you’ll agree with, others you’ll have no idea why I picked her out. So while you’re welcome to comment on this list, you’re wasting your time and energy arguing my list when it’s who I am into, not you.

And most importantly, for all the SJWs and such out there, these characters are not real, so relax if I start to talk about how sexy a character is or something to that extent, I’m not a sexist pig, I promise you that. Also, don’t give me the creepy speech, every single one of you fantasize about being with someone that you know you’ll never have whether they’re purely fictional or celebrities.

Anyway! So keeping it down to one character per game (as much as I want to list the entire Persona 4 cast), let’s get to it!

10

Starting off our list is a beautiful computer scientist who immediately strikes off the “intelligence is sexy” box on the checklist. With Shion drastically changing throughout the Xenosaga series, I’m personally selecting the Shion from the first game where she’s far less bitchy and a Lightning-esque royal pain in the ass by the end of the series. Shion caught my attention very early on in the first game, being a female protagonist and not being a crazy badass warrior was a new idea to me, and I connected with her character a lot faster because of that. While she’s got some real personal issues from her past and in the first game she can still be rather bossy, I love the calmer, more innocent side to her and I can see that translating very well into her if she was real in the present day.

Also god damn I’d be living the rich life with her, with that brain of hers working into computer engineering, you know she’s making a crazy good paycheck.

09

Nel immediately checks off a bunch of boxes for me. Red hair, super athletic, strong woman and her voice is just angelic. I just have to be careful not to call her a “chick”, I might get in serious trouble for that. Nel for me when playing Star Ocean: Till the End of Time, while being a badass secret agent, she gives off a very calm vibe to me. I feel like if she wasn’t having to sacrifice herself for her country and Queen, she’d be a very chill person to hang around. And given her loyalty, you know that if there was a mutual love between the two of us, I’d be very confident that she’d never cheat.

I’d just have to make sure she isn’t allowed to hold a knife unless she’s cooking up something. Can’t have her walking around with two bladed objects. Someone’s gettin’ hurt!

08

She’d be far higher on this list if it weren’t for the fact that she’s such a tough character to judge, it’s hard to tell how she’d act given her personality and her thievery in Chrono Cross. But as one of my first video game crushes, I just can’t in good conscience leave Kid off this list. Everything’s perfect, I love the hair, those blue eyes, her outfit fits her body type perfectly, even the white marking on her face and arms add to the beauty she has. But most of all, god damn I love her Australian accent that she has in the English version of the game. It makes me wish we’d get a remake of this game with voice acting, I want to hear what this would actually sound like.

I just better not piss her off, cause then she’ll kick me arse so hard, I’ll kiss the moons!

07

I find that taking this Final Fantasy VII character is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. “Aerith is such a cutie!” “Tifa’s best babe, bro!”. Honestly to me, Aerith is annoying and Tifa while she’s an interesting character, the fact everyone looks at her as a sex symbol with her constantly growing giant tits (via fanart) just turns me off. People find Yuffie annoying, but me? I love that hyper personality of hers. She’s a real cutie and her super-happy-go-lucky attitude just pops for me. She is super pretty, those short shorts and the boots are just awesome. And like I said, her personality just comes off as we’d be having so much silly times together and if you’ve been reading some of my articles, you know I love cheesy fun.

I hope she doesn’t steal anything of mine though. Granted, it’s not materia, so I should be fine.

06

If there’s any great choice for a Top 10 Female Video Game Characters I’d Marry list, a girl from the Harvest Moon series works perfectly, given you can marry them in-game. Harvest Moon 64 has always been my favourite game in the series, so going with my wife from that game, Karen was an easy pick for this list. Granted, at the beginning of the game, she is a completely total bitch, she’s super distant and when there are 4 other girls to choose from (well 3, I hated Popuri), it’s really easy to just leave her and go after one of the other bachelorettes. But Karen gave off a very soft side to me when I first starting talking with her, I felt there was something much deeper going on that she wasn’t telling me. And once you get past her barriers you really do see that wonderful side of her. Being able to convince her to marry me in the game was very rewarding and seeing how she is in full wife mode shows to me that she’d be an awesome person to be with. Also, in terms of her looks, the highlights in her hair easily caught my attention early on and afterwards her style pretty much made her the only option for me as everyone else either walked around in dresses or in Ann’s case, overalls. Karen was the only one who looked modern.

The only thing that would be interesting is her wine-connoisseur history. I’m straight-edge so there’d be a lot of wine bottles just sitting on the shelf.

05

There’s a lot of things about Fetch that if we kept the entire setting from her world around, she’d be nowhere on the list. But as a person, she far exceeds the expectations I have for someone to make this list. Taking away her powers, I am confident she wouldn’t have become the drug addict she becomes before the events of Infamous: First Light, taking away the real problem I’d have with her. With that aside, she’s such a pretty girl, the punk style is always a plus for me and personality-wise, she seems like such a super-cool person to hang around. You take away the bullshit she’s been put through throughout her backstory before the games, you know she’s just a super down-to-earth, fun-loving punk rock girl. And for me, that is just freaking awesome!

04

The reason for Final Fantasy X-2 ver. Yuna was selected #1 for the Top 10 Sleep With list, Rikku was my first legitimate video game crush. Her character shines in the first FFX game, she is just an absolute joy to be around. She actually reminds me a lot of my current girlfriend of 8 years now, she’s got a similar small frame, she’s got that cute girl attitude of hers and most of all, she waves her hands about when she speaks (it’s weird how much Rikku and my girlfriend are alike). I specifically prefer her from the original game and not X-2 because of her outfit, the bikini set and mini-skirt just kind of ruined the cute girl Rikku I love. Not to mention it breaks your immersion when she’s dressed like that and they’re walking around on a snowy mountain. I’m not complaining about being able to see my first game crush in a cute little bikini, but I prefer the orange top and those wonderful green shorts as common wear easily.

03

If not for the reveal of what she looks like under that helmet and especially since she looks almost 100% human, Tali might not have made this list, even though she is just one of the best personalities I can think of in video games period. Yet hats off to Tali for making the vast majority of Mass Effect players for keeping her in their minds as the best girl, even before we even knew what she looked like under the suit. She has that effect (pun intended) on people through her just wonderful personality, she can be extremely cute, very funny, super serious all at the same time, whenever the situation suits itself. And when she’s shaped so well and fits into her bio-suit as perfect and tightly she does, it’s a match made in heaven. People were really upset when it was revealed what she looked like under the helmet however, because she was a human with some markings and other little things going on. Personally, it just makes it so much easier to have her on this list. No chance of tentacles or any weird shit.

And the best part? Even if she gets mad at me and calls me a bosh’tet, I’ll still laugh and think she’s adorable.

02

If there’s anything in either video games or anime that will immediately get my attention with a female character, it’s when she starts off as a male in disguise. Characters like Charlotte Dunois from Infinite Stratos and Hotaru Tachibana from Aoharu x Machinegun come to mind. But Naoto Shirogane is in a league of his/her own. She is an absolutely perfect blending of all the things I’ve talked about on the list so far. Intelligence, good looks (even when she’s dressed like a boy) and that shyness that hides another side of her that she rarely shows to anyone. The most intriguing part about Naoto however is how she would actually handle a relationship, as when dealing with such in Persona 4, she clearly can’t handle the flood of emotions right off the bat, which makes this cold, calculated detective turn from a tough nut to crack to the cutest pile of mush you’ve ever seen. And who can resist that level of adorable?

It’s a win-win, she looks cute dressed more masculine and extremely hot when she dresses feminine. No complaints either way from me.

And finally, my #1 pick for my fictional waifu!

01

Here’s the weird thing that happened with this list. I had Rikku #1 and Fuuka #4. As I was writing Fuuka’s paragraph, I stopped and thought about it for a second. And that’s when I realized something super mind-blowing to me:

Rikku is my personal favourite and that may never change. But taking everything into account, I truly believe that the best choice out of the 10 girls on this list to become my real-world wife would actually be Fuuka.

Like Naoto, she’s that perfect blend of intelligence, looks, personality, the whole package. But unlike the runner-up detective, Fuuka has that last piece to the puzzle that no one else comes close to. When you watch her, how she acts, how she speaks, she gives off that perfect wife vibe, it’s hard to give it a single word kind of description. Some of the girls on this list are super hyper, can be a little bossy, or may just have a bit of an edge on them. Fuuka on the other hand is just a calm and cute girl who you can absolutely see yourself coming home to and just snuggling up on the couch with after a tough day.

People when they make lists like this often go for the obvious. The super good-looking, the ones who they’d look forward to sleeping with every night. With me and Fuuka however, it’s not because I’d look forward to sleeping with her every night, but sleeping next to her every night. And because of that, she’s my #1 candidate for a potential perfect marriage if she was ever to exist.

I hope you all enjoyed this list as much as I enjoyed making it, this was a far tougher list to develop. It’s a lot easier to come up with a list just for sex, but a serious relationship?! That takes some real thought!

 

 

This Week in Sexy Games – Dead or Alive Xtreme 3

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This might not actually be a weekly article, but at the rate things are going, it’s starting to look like it.

News has hit the Internets that the recently announced Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 (releasing in Asian markets Feb. 25) will not ever see a Western release because of essentially the potential of “Social Justice Warriors” striking, according to the DOA official Facebook Page.

Well there goes my birthday present… (mine’s the 26th)

Of course, the first article I search up on this issue ends up being IGN’s article on it, which as sexy game related articles tend to be, was very short and shaming the game itself. While not directly talking about Xtreme 3, they referenced the last Dead or Alive entry, DOA 5: Last Round with the following excerpt from their review of it:

“When you’re in the midst of a tense, down-to-the-last-read match in the middle of a battlefield erupting with explosions, Dead or Alive 5: Last Round is great. When that fight is compromised by out-of-place barely legal schoolgirls in bikinis or a game-crashing bug, it’s decidedly less than great, and the experience you’ll get will depend whether your online opponents choose to play as one of the more interesting characters.”

Once again, a game because it has game-crashing bugs sexual content in it, they have to take shots at it. They even say at points the actual game itself is pretty good and DOA has always been a pretty good fighting game. But apparently people just cannot get past the fact that the series will always have sexualized characters in it, nor have they just accepted the fact it will always be a part of the Dead or Alive series.

You can make every excuse you want about the game. At the end of the day, you’re doing nothing more than wasting oxygen and everyone’s time by getting all up in arms about the fact that the series features girls in sexy costumes, bikinis and more and then have a side series of games that’s literally just them in swimsuits playing volleyball and butt-bumping into a pool.

All you have to do, is not acknowledge its existence. Don’t buy it, don’t click on anything about it and most of all, DON’T TALK ABOUT IT! It amazes me that these SJWs believe that yelling about it anywhere and everywhere will solve the problem. It’s not hard, kids. If you want something consumer-related to go away, you don’t consume it. That saying “vote with your wallet” applies tenfold here. Companies will change what they do if no one’s buying it, nor talking about it. I believe that’s actually a large part of why DOA Xtreme 3 won’t be getting a Western release, it didn’t sell. I don’t know a single person who ever owned a copy of it. Japan on the other hand, will buy the fuck out of this content, because unlike the reserved North American society, they have no problem saying they like pretty girls in bikinis and will pay money for it.

Was I planning to buy the game? Absolutely not, but not because of the content and certainly not because people would judge me, I could care less what people I don’t know think about me. The games generally cost as much, or almost as much as a big AAA title and games like Destiny and Fallout 4 are certainly going to offer me far more hours of gameplay that DOA Xtreme 3. If that game came out at $20? I might actually consider it. But at $60+? Not a chance.

Just remember folks, the game is a massive over-exaggeration on every aspect. The women are impossibly perfect in their looks, their personalities are fake like any excited group of girls you’d see playing around in a cheesy movie or commercial.

And let’s be real, if there was a place where ONLY the most attractive women on the planet got together to wear basically the skimpiest swimwear around, play games and essentially flirt with each other, they would not have any cameras around to film it.

Just ignore it, people. It’s really not that hard. I don’t mind sexual content in games and I completely forgot that these games existed until they announced the third installment.

It’s just girls in bikinis playing volleyball and stuff, sheesh. Not like the game’s called Dead or Alive Xtreme Big Black Dildo Sexy Party 3. Shit, rule 34. It’s going to exist now. Sorry guys!

More Violence Mods = Awesome – Nude Mods = OFFENSIVE!!!

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So I read Kotaku’s brief article on the discovery that there’s already a nude mod for the PC version of Fallout 4. There’s almost no writing in the article, clearly it’s meant to shame the users who created the mod and make light-hearted jokes about the mod itself.

I get it, you don’t want to post an article about one of the biggest games of the year that amounts to “Hey kids! Check out the awesome mod for Fallout 4, it’s got boobies! Boobies are rockin’, man!”. But I’m getting a little sick and tired of acting like it’s this horrifying and sickening thing when people make these mods. Actually altogether I’m a little sick and tired of people being so shocked by tits in the first place.

Once again it comes down to this super PC (that’s politically correct, not PC master race) culture that we’ve sunk into the past decade. Yet it still baffles me beyond belief that we’re more focused on saying sex is more offensive than violence. If a mod comes out where there are even more gore-crazy ways to kill raiders and mutants in the game, it’ll be advertised as something cool and badass. But no clothes on a FICTIONAL CHARACTER in a NOT REAL setting, that’s too much, right?

Am I saying nude mods are all right? Yes and no. I’m not saying it’s okay for these mods to be in ANY and EVERY game, I don’t think Barbie’s Horse Adventures is the kind of game to be modding that into. But as far as I’m concerned, any game above a T-rating I have no problem with. You’re probably saying to yourself “But Adam, nudity in games has to come with a game that’s at least M-rated, sex itself for AO-rated.” but I always bring this point up in conversations when this topic comes out. How young were you the first time you saw someone around your age naked? More often than not, whenever I ask that question to people their answers range between 13 and 17. Funny, that’s about the age range between a T-rating and a M-rating. We need to start accepting the facts that most kids are aware of sex by the age of 13 and have probably lost their virginity before the age you’re supposed to be even watching porn.

We need to stop living in this North American culture that has no problem with violence, especially the States, where fighting over the rights to own a machine gun isn’t as ridiculous as homosexual sex and women wanting the rights to go topless in public, or hell even breastfeed their child in public. Why is sex more offensive to people than violence? How is the act that gives life more offensive to people than acts that bring death?

I’ve used nude mods in games before, hell I’ve played my share of porn games. How many of us when we were younger were playing all those shitty adult flash games on Newgrounds? And I’m sure the majority of us playing those weren’t 18+. I’ve played porn/hentai games, I’ve used nude mods in games before and I’m certainly no sexual deviant, pervert, creeper, etc. I’m in a happy, healthy relationship of over 8 years now and through all of it, I’ve partaken in these apparently extremely offensive and sinful works, our relationship hasn’t changed in the slightest.

There will always be people out there that will fall into those creepy categories of people, but they are in the very distant minority. Most people that download and play this kind of content are healthy men and women that just wanna see some nicely-rendered naked male and female (once again) FICTIONAL characters in their favourite games. If you want to shame them and the mod creators, shame the same people who make these overly-gory mods as well. Those should be falling into the AO-rated category as well.

I guarantee you, if the first nude mod was male only rather than female, this wouldn’t be an issue. We only laugh at dong physics, there’s no criticism there.

But titties?! Call the ESRB! Call the FCC! Call the FBI, CIA, MI6, everyone! We have an emergency!

Top 10 Female Video Game Characters I’d Sleep With

***If you have a problem with lists like these, they’re not real women. Spare me the sexism and over-sexualization speeches. Read this article I wrote too.***

To clarify on this list, the 10 female characters you will see on this list are NOT characters that I’d fall in love with, hang out with, have a relationship with, anything of the sort. This is the 10 girls in video games that I’d totally without regret have a rockin’ one-night stand with, nothing more. A Top 10 list of the characters I’d marry? Now that’s a list for another day!

Now I shouldn’t have to explain myself here, but just in case those reading this list feel like blowing a gasket at this list, here’s a heads up. Remember that this is my own personal list, so the girls who made this list are based on my own preferences for what I’m attracted to. Also a lot of the choices on this list are not strictly just for looks, some of them have some logical reasons behind them as well. For example, she may be a girl I would love nothing more than to have around every day, but because of certain reasons, maybe a one-time-only would be best for my own safety. So just keep this in mind, my list will easily be different than pretty much everyone else’s.

So let’s get right to it!

10

I’m starting off with an extremely random and very uncommon character. As far as I know, not a lot of people ended up playing RAGE. It’s not a great game by any means, I pretty much forget everything about this game, that is except for Loosum. She shows up early on in the game to teach you how to master the Wingsticks and the moment I laid my eyes on her, she was just absolutely perfect. At the time in 2011 when this game came out, it was showing off id Software’s new Tech 5 engine, so it was top of the line graphics being pumped out, so Loosum had a distinct advantage going in. Character-wise, there’s not a whole lot to say, since she’s around for all of five minutes of importance. She has some spunk to her and she certainly knows how to show herself off, she knows she’s gorgeous. Personally, I’d consider keeping her around, but the first name just breaks it for me. “So what’s your wife’s name?” “*sigh* Loosum…” Yeah…that ain’t gonna fly.

09

As a heads up, Cammy is pretty much the only character on this list that would be considered by the video gaming community as a sex symbol. Generally speaking, the video game vixens that are on the top of everyone’s list just don’t fit any other criteria from me other than having a great body. But Cammy is so damn smoking hot, that she manages to make the list anyways. Although she holds a special place in my heart because she pretty much is the first video game character I saw on screen that fit the bill of being that sexy girl in a video game. I played Super Street Fighter II for the SNES a ton as a kid and Cammy was my main character, admittedly her ass was half the reason I picked her all the time, I was actually pretty good with her too, so it just happened to work out perfectly. If there’s any video game girl that’s on the top of everyone else’s lists that I’d have to pick over all the others, she’s without a doubt the one for me to go with.

08

Another anomaly on this list, I would think. Very few people play the Guilty Gear games and that’s a damn shame. So this lovely tanned, light-haired expressionless evil non-human girl from the Backyard will likely be even less-known as she’s from the newest game, Guilty Gear Xrd. She falls into the category of girls in games that I’d love to spend the night with, but the likelyhood of dying trying to get to that point makes it pretty difficult. But from playing the story mode of GGXrd, I really fell in love with her character, her expressionless voice and demeanor makes her extremely adorable to me to the point I want to try and snap her out of it, she seems like the girl that would be just a giant cutie once she opens up. And to top it all off, I have a giant soft spot for anime-drawn tanned or darker skinned girls. I don’t know why, especially since it doesn’t translate into real life at all.

07

Malon’s simply a victim of living in a world I would just refuse to live in and I know I wouldn’t be able to pry her out of it. She’s probably the overall prettiest girl on this list and certainly the most homely. But if I were to consider her for my future Top 10 Video Game Girls I’d Marry list, I’d have to commit to living the farm life and there’s no goddamn way you’d catch me working my ass off on a farm, I wouldn’t survive. And judging her character, like I said there’s no way you’re prying this lovely redhead away from that life either. What a damn shame…

06

Lightning is the prime example of a girl you would never catch me dead spending any more time than I’d have to with her. She’s absolutely insufferable, a constant pain in the ass, I can’t listen to her speak for more than a few words before I want to punch her in the face. But goddamn did Square Enix draw her superbly. Of course only the idiots at Square Enix would create one of the most hateable female characters I’ve ever known, yet also make her arguably the hottest Final Fantasy girl of all (yes, that includes rivaling Tifa). I just hope that if I was to ever share a bed with her, I wouldn’t have to listen to hours of her brooding about her sister.

05

Persona 4 is pretty much my favourite game of all-time. There isn’t a single character in the series that I have a major problem with and when it comes to the many female characters in the game, the majority of them are in consideration for the Top 10 Marry list. But Rise is the odd one out. It’s funny, she’s clearly presented as the hottest girl in the game and she is without any doubt. However when it comes to her character, she just doesn’t grab my attention nearly enough compared to all the others to follow through on anything other than a single night. It could be the fact she’s overly flirty, the fact she’s an idol and would be constantly targeted by other guys, or just the fact she (depending on when I’d catch her) struggles to figure out who she really is, where the line between her normal self or the idol persona. Either way, I’d love to hang out with her, but certainly not in a dating manner.

04

We started the crazy and evil with Ramlethal at #8, now we resume that trend with likely the most dangerous lady on this list. I’m noting that I’d prefer the Mass Effect 3 version of Jack because I like her far more with hair and her new outfit. Jack was a tough one to place, there’s so many factors behind her being on this list. I love girls with tattoos, tomboys and some of the sexiest characters to me are the ones you know there’s no chance in hell you’d ever get with for any reason, but your physical well-being adds onto that with Jack. As we’ve seen in the Mass Effect series, she views sex as almost a common thing due to her screwed up life before meeting Shepard. But as quickly as she’ll bed you, she’s likely to tear you apart, literally. So for my own safety, as quick as she’d want to fuck, I’d just as quickly fuck off before I’d lose my life.

03

Now unlike Jack, she may not kill me, but the hundreds if not thousands of experiments she’d run on me if I ever happened to get close to her would be almost just as bad. But damn, talk about a 10/10, without a doubt the hottest Fire Emblem character. She also has a distinct advantage because anyone I’ve ever seen cosplay her has been just as gorgeous, she translates perfectly into real life as well. I’ve run through Awakening twice, the first time I made the boneheaded decision to have my character marry Lissa and immediately regretted it after getting to know Tharja a lot more. She gives off that forbidden fruit aura, the one girl you can’t resist, but you know that it would be in your best interests to not pursue her. But with that body, I wouldn’t blame anyone, male or female from going after her regardless.

02

The pinnacle of crazy, the girl that I know that I’d never be able to get close to. Jack would let you have a round and then you’re screwed. Tharja might let you in, but you’d be so messed up from all the experiments first, it might not even matter. But Tira, I don’t think there’s a chance in hell you’d be able to even touch her before she’d slice you apart with that ring blade. The first time I laid eyes on her in Soul Calibur III, that was it, I loved her. I was a huge Talim fan the previous game and I thought no one could top her, she was super pretty. But Tira just shot in with that amazing badass hair, the makeup, those piercing violet eyes and of course that phenomenal body. The artwork of her in the picture above is one of the best I’ve seen from any game, let alone fighting games. But behind that body is one of the most twisted, sadistic minds, one who would cut your throat within seconds of meeting you. Come to think of it, it would give her line “Awww you broke already? Oh well, I guess I’m done with you.” a new meaning. *shudders*

And finally, my #1 pick:

01

There’s a ton of reasons why Yuna’s at the top of this list. I’m sure most are surprised she’s not being considered on the Top 10 Marry list, most feel she’s very homely, a wonderful girl, beautiful as hell and all those are true. But there’s a bunch that put her on this side rather than the other. I wasn’t a huge fan of her FFX character, she was too softspoken and the whole super-religious thing immediately turned this atheist off, especially nowadays where it’s in full-swing. But the biggest problem with Yuna has nothing to do with her personally, it’s just a matter of being the odd one out. Logically if I lived in Spira, she simply wouldn’t be on my mind because of one thing:

This girl.

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So because of Rikku, Yuna ends up being at the top of the list, just because I would absolutely love to spend the rest of my life with her if she existed, but there’s already a girl in the same universe I’d pick over her. Sorry, Yunie!

I hope you all enjoyed this list, it was fun to make. Remember it’s not serious at all, it’s all in good fun. Your list will be way different than mine for various reasons. And most of all, if you think this is creepy to post, for god’s sake they’re not real, it doesn’t matter.

And realistically, don’t tell me you don’t fantasize about sleeping with someone. I just happen to have zero problems saying it out loud.