Tag Archives: Mass Effect

I Have Little Desire To Play Mass Effect: Andromeda

If I were to estimate, I’ve maybe put in between 10 and 20 hours into the new Mass Effect game that was released now a week and a half ago. I’ve been waiting for this game a long time and I was super excited to finally get my hands on this game. And yet after a week and a half, I feel that play time should be at least double what it is and now I’m struggling to get myself to turn the game on and go through some more of the campaign.

My intention was to have this as a “First Impressions” article after my current run through the game. My thought process was that by this point I’d have clocked in about 30 hours of gameplay, would’ve gotten a good chunk of the storyline done and have some pretty solid thoughts about the game that could’ve been real helpful for those on the outside who want to know a lot more of what they’re getting into. Now this might still be the case, but not in the form I was hoping for.






I’m just going to come out and say it. I am absolutely pissed off to no end that I’ve just landed on the third major planet in the game (not counting the tutorial planet) and I’ve already got my full squad…AND ONLY ONE OF THEM IS A NEW RACE!!! Sorry to spoil that for anyone, but you were warned. Yes, I’m nowhere near the midpoint of the game (I hope!) and my squad is already complete. Six people, two humans, a Turian, an Asari, a Krogan and an Angara, the new race of the series. I say new race, because I’m convinced at this point that other than the Kett, who act as the villains in this game, the Angara may just be the only other intelligent life I converse with. And they’re so uninteresting that it’s painful, they’re all almost devoid of emotion.

It really kills me that a game that was advertised as a game of exploration, going through a whole new galaxy, finding new worlds, new races, new everything…is reduced to a game that’s like “Hey…you like Mass Effect, right? Cool.” and that’s it. Upon hearing that the game is being fronted by BioWare Montreal and not BioWare directly and also being fronted by the person who made the call on Mass Effect’s 3 legendary flop of an ending…I start to see what happened. The game itself is still polished, it looked gorgeous, the combat’s still solid, but the core foundation of what made the series what it is, it has been completely shattered by this new team. Yes, I am aware that members of the team who worked on the trilogy are a part of this team, but it’s very clear that a new vision was put forward for this game and it was a poor vision.

Mass Effect: Andromeda was supposed to be a game that I intentionally watched and read absolutely nothing about it, so that I would come to every new thing I see as what it was, completely brand spanking new. I wanted to go into every decision without any bias, I wanted everything to come at me in real time, rather than knowing ahead of time a few things that could help me make a better decision. Instead, I’ve gotten a game that has shown me that I should never do something like this ever again, because had I read more material, perhaps I could’ve found something to keep me off the path of pre-ordering the game. Now granted, I followed my rule of only pre-ordering games with a proven track record, but I’ve avoided games of this level of hype before because I’ve seen something I didn’t like, aka games like Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, Assassin’s Creed Unity and Fallout 4, though in the latter, most people still very much enjoyed it.

I wanted a game about exploration, about finding new things and being constantly surprised by something new. Within 10-20 hours, I feel like I’ve played the same game a hundred times. So many mistakes were made already, so instead of going on in paragraph form, here’s a nicely sized list:

  • You’re an explorer. Within the first 5 minutes of being on the first new planet of this new galaxy, you’ve pulled your gun out and fired the trigger. This was a wasted opportunity, you could’ve had a training simulation for the fighting and saved the first battle for a few hours in. They should’ve made that first fired shot in Andromeda mean something.
  • The main hub of the Nexus is very boring and uninspiring, it feels like a poor man’s Citadel. Granted, it’s an outpost and is after a revolt, but come on!
  • Speaking of which, look…I understand a mission like this shouldn’t be easy, but holy fuck the game could’ve waited a couple planets before bringing on the depression and lack of hope. I feel like this might be a large part in why I’m not enjoying the game that much, because the whole part I was to enjoy is being portrayed as depressing and a constant flurry of troubles.
  • The whole “Twin Creation” thing seems so pointless, especially now that I know he/she won’t even be a squad member. It’s a pointless sidestory that as of this point brings zero emotional response from me.
  • Speaking of zero emotional response, other than my initial excitement and following disappointment, since Eos I have been pretty much in “Meh!” mode since. That is a real bad sign and it certainly explains why I’m having a hard time picking the game up and continuing from Voeld after I had finished Havarl.
  • There’s a lot of empty open space in the open world, especially with Eos after the hazard levels are lowered later on. A lot and I mean A LOT of dead, open space.
  • The push of a majority human cast continues to piss me off, because again in proves just how hard it is for us as humans to write a script that isn’t dominated by us. Why did we have to have four different arks for each race? Why not just have four fucking arks with an assortment of everyone?!
  • Which also ticks me off, because a Mass Effect game without a single hanar, drell, elcor, vorcha, volus or batarians just feels so weird to me. Now I understand no geth, because the series technically starts before the first Mass Effect, so that’s fine, but the lack of races beyond the Council races is really perplexing.
  • Oh believe me, I didn’t forget, this just deserves its own note. Ahem! …NO FUCKING QUARIANS?!!! I can have a fucking space monkey (pyjak) on my ship, but you couldn’t be bothered to put a single fucking Quarian in this game! Now I don’t know if any show up towards the end, but come the fuck on! Tali is one of the most popular characters in the series and you don’t even have a single member of her race around?! They’re fucking mechanical masterminds!!! Why’s one not in Gil’s place?!
  • I’m a little put off by the clear push for “diversity” in this game, as it’s extremely obvious the team went out of its way to have every conceivable accent around. Hell, even a Salarian has a middle eastern accent going on. Which by the way, BioWare Montreal, um…why does any Krogan in this game not sound like a fucking badass? They’re all badasses, make them sound as such!
  • The sidequests are mostly fetch quests and none of them have any interest in terms of a sidestory, it’s literally just time filler.
  • Speaking of time filler, why the fuck can’t we skip the flying cutscenes?! I’ve seen the Nexus landing at least 10 times now already.
  • The auto-cover is so bad to me that I’m not using cover now. Seriously, a core mechanic of the original trilogy and I’m barely using it. It’s to the point I’ve lowered the difficulty to Easy, because I can’t get myself to run into an auto-cover position.

So, long story short, uh…unless I can get myself to play it more and it really turns around (and by what I’m reading, it really doesn’t), um…this game is bad. Like really bad. Gameplay-wise, not bad at all, but for a series like Mass Effect, my rating is based on the story and the world and at this current juncture, I’m not happy at all with what I’ve found so far.

So for those who want a number put towards my current point in the game, here it is: 10-20 hours into the game, at best I can give this game a score of 5/10 and it pains me so much to give a BioWare title, let alone a Mass Effect title a score that low. I have basically no interest in the world and the characters, there isn’t a single character I’m way into right now, no one’s pushed into the forefront, they’re all just kinda sitting around, twiddling their thumbs. And most importantly, an exciting game about exploration and discovery feels depressing, pointless and has little in terms of new things to offer.

This is not what I signed up for. Not even close.

Saturday Morning Rant: The Battle of Avoiding Mass Effect Spoilers

I have been looking forward to Mass Effect: Andromeda before it even had an official name, the second I finished Mass Effect 3, I was ready for the next one. Since the series started, while I loved the trilogy, I wanted something specific from the series, something I knew that if any series could do it, Mass Effect was the one. I wanted a space epic where I was an explorer finding new planets, new civilizations, new races for the very first time. I didn’t want to start as a space military juggernaut, as much as I loved my many Shepards, I wanted to be the guy who found shit!

And now the game will be in my hands in less than a month. But unfortunately because we’re so close, a new challenge has arrived:

An endless supply of spoilers.

My standpoint on this particular game is simple. This is a game where you are discovering things, new planets, new races. Why in god’s name would I ever want to know any information on what these planets look like, how these races look, how these new characters will act?! I don’t want to know what anything looks like, how it’ll act, any of that! Why? BECAUSE THEN I WOULDN’T BE DISCOVERING IT!!!

Now I’d understand this kind of thing if this was the first game of a new IP. But Mass Effect has three games that have proof that the team knows how to do a space epic. So why are so many people wanting to see this? Well it’s a simple case of we’re used to it, so we expect to have a flood of information before the game comes out. And in most cases, I’d be okay with that, I’d absolutely want to know what the next Call of Duty game will have for modes and weapons in multiplayer, I’d want to see the new features in the next EA Sports game. But in the case of Mass Effect: Andromeda, why would I want to know anything beyond the main character? It’s a story-driven game and when the story revolves around discovery, why would anyone want to know anything pertaining to the new things you’ll see. Now if it was an Asari character, or another human, who gives a shit, but if we’re talking a brand new world with a brand new race, I don’t want to know a fucking thing.

If I know anything, my decisions could change drastically heading into the game. My goal for Andromeda is to make this the first game that I do everything without looking at other people’s choices to see what the results were. And yes, this could include losing a party member. Because I didn’t start Mass Effect when it came out, I was exposed to so much that told me what not to do. This time around, if I feel being an asshole is the correct response, that’s what I’ll do and not worry about the consequences.

I’m not mad at anyone specifically for this, I’m just annoyed of how fast my reflexes have to kick in to avoid reading any material that tells me anything pertinent towards the game, or seeing any pictures that might show off something new. I’ve come across some pictures, but didn’t catch enough to burn it into my memory.

But seriously, folks…it’s a story-driven game about discovering new things. Why are we revealing so much?!

Character Spotlight: Liara T’Soni


When it comes to Mass Effect, Tali’s my girl. Always will be. However in my first run of the first two games before adjusting my love interest to the lovable Quarian, Liara was my first choice.

It made sense at the time, she was the lone alien your Shepard could go with, she is absolutely stunning to say the least and she was smart as all hell. And this is all before she becomes a total badass in the second game, especially during the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC. I will admit, I was entertaining the idea of immediately getting involved with a “space hottie”, y’know the whole showing the rest of the universe what us humans have to offer. Aside from that though, it was a very easy decision to pick her over Ashley (y’know, her being racist and being extremely boring) and Tali wasn’t an available option at that point. Liara as I said, is extremely intelligent, well-spoken and is very kind-hearted. She came off the most human between her and Ashley.


In the first game, Liara isn’t exactly starting off as the badass we know her to be in the later games. You find this Asari beauty suspended in an energy field she accidentally got herself into while fleeing the Geth, not exactly the most flattering position to be in for a first meeting. She ends up being the daughter of a powerful Matriarch who the main villain has under his command, so you end up recruiting Liara in hopes of reaching her mother and talking some sense into the woman.

What’s interesting about the romance with Liara is the fact that it’s even possible to be unable to start one based on how you go through the game’s missions. If you do everything else before rescuing Liara, there’s not enough time to form a relationship, a great bit of realism in the storytelling that the series (until the very end) is known for. But if you are able to get that relationship going, it’s interesting alone in the fact that we watch as Liara experiences love and an intimate relationship for the first time in her life. She is absolutely adorable throughout it.


I was not happy when I realized Liara was not going to be a party member in the main game during Mass Effect 2. Seeing her later on in the game working as an information broker eased me a little bit, but nowhere near where I wanted things to be since the beginning of the game. Thankfully, the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC came out and a lot of my worries were finally put to rest. We already see during the vanilla version of Mass Effect 2 that Liara’s attitude has changed a ton since becoming an information broker. She’s far more ruthless and dark-natured. This is only multiplied further during this phenomenal piece of DLC where she’s chasing down the Shadow Broker, the ultimate information broker that only a handful of people even know anything about. It’s also because a friend of hers, Feron was captured by the Broker so she’s on a bit of a revenge quest. During this entire storyline, she is the most badass woman in the entire game, and we have girls like Jack, Samara and Kasumi in this game. It’s in this DLC story that Liara is at her best.

In the third game, I honestly can’t say much different about Liara beyond the fact I was super happy to have her back as a permanent party member. She retains the badassery she had during Mass Effect 2, though being around Shepard again clams her down a bit more throughout the game, she’s not going around putting guns in people mouths as often. Though if there’s anything I have to say about her time in Mass Effect 3, holy shit she looks amazing, the detailing on her skin is unreal in this game, which makes me look forward to Mass Effect: Andromeda even more just to see what the Asari will look like on the current consoles. Also, goddamn her romance scenes are intense!

Liara’s my third favourite female in the Mass Effect series, Tali and then Kasumi ahead of her. But in terms of memorability she was my first romantic choice in the series and a good one at that. I’d be more than happy to give aliens a chance if they look and act like she does.

Especially the look part.


Top 10 Mass Effect Characters


We start the list of with the badass Asari played by Carrie-Anne Moss, better known for her role as Trinity in the Matrix series. But to me, I actually reference her as Aria T’Loak more than Trinity, cause y’know…a little less black everything. The first time you meet her on Omega in Mass Effect 2 is very memorable to me, seeing her stand in the glow of the many lights in the Afterlife bar claiming “I am Omega!” to Shepard is just a fantastic moment. She also comes off as one of the very few characters you actually don’t want to mess with at all, knowing how quickly she could fuck your day up and as we see in the Mass Effect 3: Omega DLC, it’s very clear that you don’t.


Your final “crewmate that stands by the map” from Mass Effect 3, Samantha Traynor is easily the best of the three, leaps and bounds ahead of Charles Pressly and Kelly Chambers. She’s got more of a charm to her and is far more entertaining to speak with over the course of the game. I mean come on, she has a toothbrush joke that ends up becoming a huge punchline in the Mass Effect 3: Citadel DLC. She’s so goddamn funny.


Easily the prettiest girl of the series, Liara is the easy choice for all us straight guys and lesbian or bisexual girls to pick as our first alien bang and she’s not a bad choice at all. While in the original Mass Effect she’s a little bit of a flower on the wall kind of character, she really goes all-out after Mass Effect 2’s Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC and carries on in Mass Effect 3. She’s far better in the second half of the series, far more serious, certainly far more deadly and honestly not as boring.


Martin fucking Sheen plays this villain! I mean come on, do I have to explain any further why he’s on this list?! All right all right all right, the Illusive Man is just an easy pick due to his very badass, cocky yet cool nature that’s clearly a lot more evil than we first anticipate at the start of Mass Effect 2. As the game goes on, it becomes very apparent that this man is your typical rich white male, hungry for more power and it turns him into a menacing villain. And like I said, it’s Martin Sheen! There’s not many actors out there who could do this role at par or better than him.


Who knew one of my favourite characters from the series would be a scary-ass alien that could rip your spine out Mortal Kombat style without a struggle. But Wrex is an absolute riot, especially in the later games where he’s even more quippy with Shepard. A huge (literally) badass and an often comedic character, it’s actually a real shame that he’s not a permanent party member much like Garrus and Tali.


Another one I never expected to enjoy so much. If you told me I’d enjoy an AI above a ton of human characters, I’d call you crazy. But as we’ve learned from the Portal series especially, comedy isn’t limited to organic life. I’m 100% sure EDI would be in the same spot as well even without the artificial body she gets in Mass Effect 3, she’s still a riot as the Normandy’s AI constantly wreaking havoc, specifically to a certain pilot that just happens to be next on this list…


Look, I will definitely admit there’s some bias with Seth Green being the voice behind this constantly sarcastic and quippy pilot of the Normany, Jeff Moreau, aka Joker. But he is still a fantastic character throughout the entire series, a mixture of hilarious and loyal to your Shepard, pretty much acting as the best friend of your character. The added depth to his character from being very brittle in his bones just adds to the apathy this man has for everything and makes him even more entertaining. And the section of Mass Effect 2 where you’re escaping the ship as Joker is such a cool moment as well!


What’s not to like about this Turian? Garrus is everything you could want in a character, he’s a badass, full of jokes, can have a serious mean streak when it’s revenge time, he’s an all-around classy guy! In the first game he’s more of a cocky expert shot, but once he’s revealed in the second game, he becomes a badass…cocky expert shot! Garrus pretty much gets by through his jokes and attitude towards everything, making every conversation you have with him just pure joy.


This will be an unusual spot for this particular character, I think. But for me, other than my #1 pick, there’s no one I enjoyed in the series more than this Japanese girl with a penchant for kleptomania. From the very moment Kasumi appeared in her respective Mass Effect 2 DLC, I was already in love with this girl. She’s adorable, yet badass. Cute, yet dangerous. And when I abused the shit out of her flashbang grenades, yeah…she was a permanent party member for me with our #1 pick.


This wasn’t a hard decision at all and I think a large section of Mass Effect fans share the same feelings on this one. And besides, we don’t want to upset our favourite Quarian, she might call us a bosh’tet! But Tali is just the best of all worlds in the Mass Effect series. She’s the most adorable character in the series and that’s saying a lot given other than a tiny photograph, we don’t even know what she looks like. Her personality is perfect for the role she plays, she starts off super shy, very careful with everything she does and by the end of the third game she’s fully evolved into a strong, powerful woman…who I still want to see out of the suit! Tali’Zorah nar Rayya, you had quite the Pilgrimage.

Thanks for reading, as always I enjoyed making this list and if you have your own Top 10, or maybe just a quick switch of my list, don’t hesitate to leave your thoughts in the comments below!

Character Spotlight: Kasumi Goto


Underneath Tali and Liara, Kasumi is actually my number three when it comes to Mass Effect girls, which isn’t a common sight. A lot of people goes with others like Miranda (and dat ass), Ashley, Jack, maybe even EDI would get more votes that this eccentric thief. But for me, Kasumi is a no brainer, I think with her battle suit, she rivals girls like Miranda for having a hot body and then on top of that, I think Kasumi is only second to Tali when it comes to her personality.

Kasumi unlike the majority of girls in Mass Effect, is very quippy, she actually has a lighter side to herself when Miranda is super-serious all the time (but look at dat ass!), Jack is basically in “Fuck off!” mode the entire time in Mass Effect 2, Liara’s not around, Samara’s boring as fuck, Kelly’s…let’s be honest, a bit of a whore, to me at least. So the door’s wide open for Kasumi to basically waltz right in, put her feet up on the table and just inherit the #2 spot, with Tali sitting on the throne.


Her DLC Mission “Stolen Memory” was a super cool concept. You’re infiltrating the home of black market tycoon Donovan Hock as he is holding onto the graybox of Kasumi’s fiancee, Keiji. So you get all dressed up, talk a big game with everyone, find a way to hack into the system and get into Hock’s vault and you begin your work from there on. By the time you get to the very end, if you’re not hooked on Kasumi as a party member, then you just don’t like happy things, do you?

As a party member, she’s fantastic. On the ship, she’s notices just as much about all the people on the ship as well as the many relationships as Kelly does, maybe even more as Kasumi’s the only other one suspicious of Morinth if you pick her to replace Samara. In battle, she’s also fantastic as I used her Flashbang Grenade constantly, a great ability to have when trying to clear a room of enemies quickly. The moment I could have her as a permanent party member, I jumped on that shit, especially the second playthrough of the series, as soon as her mission unlocked, I was there.


For me, it sucks that she doesn’t stay a party member for Mass Effect 3, which really could’ve used a couple more party members. She has her moments in it, like her “sacrifice” which ended up being adorably hilarious. But after having her as party member, it makes me really sad that she didn’t get thought of as a member from the start and not even a romantic interest. Granted, she had Keiji, but it would’ve been a really nice story to see your Shepard (maybe FemShep as well) comfort her through her loss and slowly help her move forward and start a new life with your Shepard.

Ah who are we kidding, she’s all about Jacob. That is if he ever starts liking Japanese girls with a penchant for kleptomania.

Game Spotlight: Mass Effect 2


When the original Mass Effect was released, I missed the boat for about a year and then finally picked it up. It was fantastic, granted it was a bit rough around the edges, obviously the shooting mechanics were a little choppy, the ammo system was non-existent, the powers were meh at best, and of course the Mako. Need I say more about that? But the story was fantastic, the majority of characters were fantastic and the game was a memorable one for me, I was hooked. So when the sequel was on its way, I was waiting on bated breath for it to be released.

To the point that when it came out, I played it from just after 10am when I got home with my new copy until just after 2am that night. I was so hooked on that game from the very get-go.


Right from the very start the game grabs you by the hand and pulls you into the rabbit hole. The shock of your character dying after such a long journey in the original game hit hard and told you right off the bat that this game wasn’t pulling any punches. Granted, your Shepard gets brought back to life, but the stakes were already laid on the table with that Collector ship just wrecking you right from the start.

Once you start fighting within the Cerberus base, it’s clear just how much BioWare had improved the gameplay, the movement felt much smoother, the new ammo system actually made things much more realistic, forcing you to not just fire until the bar goes red, you’ve got to be a little more careful with how many bullets you spray in a room. The powers also feel a lot better, the commanding of them was smoother and visually they looked even cooler than before. Now it wasn’t just a half-assed battle you were fighting, every fight was fun and sometimes challenging.


It’s way too easy to argue that Mass Effect 2 had the best overall cast of characters on your ship, without question. While I wish Samantha Traynor from ME3 replaced Kelly Chambers to make everything perfect, pretty much everyone down to the more minor crewmates are fantastic. Newcomers like Jack and Grunt fit in perfectly, while returning characters like Garrus and Tali continue their growth and become even more memorable, both incredible party members in the original game. There isn’t a single party member, including the two DLC characters in Zaeed and Kasumi that I didn’t like.

The story as well is absolutely perfect. You’re on edge at all times whenever trying to deal with this Collector threat, remembering that they royally kicked your ass at the very start. Not only that, but your working relationship with Cerberus and the Illusive Man (who Martin Sheen is just fantastic as) also puts you on edge because if you’re a Paragon at heart, you’re not all that comfortable with his methods and ideals, you’re just dealing with his bullshit in order to save everyone. There’s a few times in the game where you take a break from the on-edge stuff, usually involving a return of one of the original characters for a brief moment and is always entertaining.


Now there was some disappointment from me with this game. I still vividly remember the absolutely ridiculous bullshit American news networks like Fox News were taking endless shots as the original game for having “full-frontal nudity” and the ability to have full control of what happened in the sex scene. Cause y’know, journalists working for crooked news networks with bullshit religious agendas like Fox News do so much research for the things they’re “reporting” about. I was so pissed off watching the “SE”Xbox segment where Geoff Keighley (who I don’t like much as it is) was the one trying to defend the game and point out every bullshit statement they said and throw it back in their faces. And yet these reporters acted like our facts were wrong and their “facts” were just.

So when the sequel came out and the most risque it goes was Miranda Lawson’s butt in the frame and her unzipping her suit so you could see her bra really pissed me off. Not because I wasn’t getting more alien sideboob, but because BioWare had caved into that bullshit. Granted, they upped the ante in Mass Effect 3, but the second game was so tame it hurt. I expected so much better from the one game developer I still 100% trusted and still do to this day, but when BioWare didn’t have not only nudity, but more nudity than the original as a fuck you to all those who tried to call them material that was breaking children’s minds (cause y’know, the game didn’t have a M-rating or anything) and supporting the idea of sex, something Republicans apparently have a problem with for some reason still.


Regardless, Mass Effect 2 remains one of my favourite games of all-time, certainly near or at the top of North American developed games. The story is awesome, the characters are awesome, the gameplay is awesome and hell, the majority of the DLC, ESPECIALLY Lair of the Shadow Broker is awesome as well. If you haven’t played the Mass Effect series, you must have never owned a console in the last 10 years, cause it’s a must-play.

Especially when the ending doesn’t piss anyone off. You know it’s a good game.

Waifu, FWB or One-Night Stand? #3

It’s week #3 of the new weekly article on Tuesdays, Waifu, Friend With Benefits or One-Night Stand!

For those new to the article, this is not a post that talks about the “fuckability” of three randomly selected female characters from various anime and video games. I’m already attracted to them, it’s to be implied that I would share a bed with them already. What this article is meant to do, is go through their personalities, interests, anything pertinent to answering the question if they’re a one-time only, a friend that I might accept the occasional booty call from, or someone I would absolutely spend the rest of my life with.

So without further to do, let’s meet this week’s contestants!


A late edition to the Mass Effect series, Samantha Traynor is the third “next to your space map” soldier put into the game after Charles Pressly and Kelly Chambers. And out of all three of them, she’s easily my favourite by a massive landslide. And that’s not just because of the long journey she had to get a new toothbrush.

Samantha for me didn’t have nearly as many negative perceptions as Charles and Kelly did. Charles was very racist with aliens (granted he got better by the end before his death) and Kelly was just way too sweet and forthcoming with her whole “psychiatrist” gimmick she had as the ship’s yeoman. Sam on the other hand has a bit of everything you could ask for, she’s cute, funny, doesn’t come off as someone going too far in one direction personality-wise, she’s one of the most normal feeling girls in the entire Mass Effect series to me, which actually makes her unique in her own right, given the other girls she has to compete with.

However, there’s a bit of a snag…she’s a lesbian. You can try to woo her as Male Shepard during the “Game Night” activity, but there’s no shower scene with her if you’ve got a penis. Lucky FemShep!

There’s really not much else I can say about her since she’s more of a minor character, so let’s get this call out of the way:


Taking into account if she was bisexual at the very least, she falls right into the middle for me. I think she’s a cool person to hang around, however I don’t know enough about her to make a comfortable call on whether I’d go as far as marrying her. But there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d have her as a close friend and if she ever got a bit curious about a sexual relationship with a male, I’d be more than game. But since I’m not an asshole, I wouldn’t impede on her preferences if she was forever strictly for girls only. Though I admit I’d be a little sad…


This redhead beauty from the Saints Row series on the surface looks like a super-cute nerdy girl. And you’re not wrong, you’re just not getting the entire story about her.

She’s all kinds of crazy, clearly she’s gone through some real messed up stuff before you meet her in Saints Row 3, I’m sure all she went through with the Deckers is one of the many things. But I imagine she’s the kind of girl you don’t want to walk into a room when you’re tied up or chained up, unless you’re into that sort of thing of course. It’s pretty clear she’s got a hidden violent side that you don’t want to piss her off enough to unlock in her.

But most of all, she has a more extreme taste in sexual interaction as we see with her clear love and possibly obsession with S&M and being a Dominatrix. I mean in Saints Row 4 when you ask her to fuck point blank, she punches you in the face and jumps on top of you. She’s clearly a leader in the bedroom and not a soft one.

However, when she isn’t crazy, I can see her being someone that could be cool to hang around, after all she’s a giant nerd, plays video games, all that jazz. You just have to worry about her suddenly falling into madness at any moment.

And because of that, my decision is pretty easy:

♠ ONE-NIGHT STAND ♠ (at my own discretion)

With her fetishes and kinks, there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s a one-time-only kind of relationship when it comes to sex. And even then, because of the potential pain or at least discomfort I might face if I ever got that far with her, I may not even take that chance. For my own safety, I’m avoiding the whip and shit.


Speaking of crazy sex-craving girls, here’s Anna from Shimoneta: A Boring World Where the Concept of Dirty Jokes Doesn’t Exist, one of the best names of an anime ever. If you’ve seen the show, you are more than aware of the super sexual nature of the show and you most definitely know of Anna, the perfect girl that after a simple kiss goes from anti-everything when it comes to dirty language, sex, all that jazz…to a sex-craving lunatic that pretty much attempts to rape the MC from Episode 3 onward.

Before her true craziness begins, she’s the cliche perfect girl with perfect morals multiplied by a massive integer that no one can estimate. The no dirty jokes and sexual content alternate Japan causes some real fucked up ideologies and when you apply that to anime characters, you know it’s going to be so over-the-top it’s painful to watch. She seems like a nice girl, but holy hell would I be facepalming listening to her anti-sex gospel and drivel.

Now it’s a whole different story when she starts her sex craving. Now I want to stay away from her cause I’d fear for my safety, not only would she talk about the perfect world her mother is trying to create…she’s be violating me while she’s talking about it! How fucked up would that be?!

Taking all that into account, we have another first of decisions:

♠ ONE-NIGHT STAND ♠ (and then leave Japan forever) OR ♦ FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS ♦ (if she calms down)

The first decision that comes with conditions. Taking everything I know from how she acts from Episode 3 onwards, the immediate decision is a one-time-only type of relationship, which may likely be one that I didn’t even decide the when and where of, it may just happen when I’m not prepared. However, if I was able to pull her aside in a controlled environment (if that’s at all possible) and allow her the chance to explore all these newfound curiosities she has, because I’ll admit that I would without question have an escapade with her, she’s gorgeous. But I’d have to establish a “calm the fuck down” sort of condition, so she doesn’t cause me any major injury. And the other condition I’d have to add in there is if after that first time, she calms down quite a bit and stops being the sex-craving lunatic she is with Tanukichi, I’d happily be there when she’s in withdrawal again. Because given how she acts, especially from what we see when she nearly does the deed with Tanukichi, she looks like she’s be a fantastic bed. It’s worth the risk.

So that’s this week’s editon of Waifu, FWB, or One-Night Stand, hope you enjoyed it! Leave any comments you’ve got below, whether it’s your own choices between the three or maybe I’m missing something that could’ve turned the tide on my decision with any one of these girls.

Character Spotlight: Tali’Zorah vas Neema


You know a game has a good set of characters when while picking the #1 choice was easy, there’s several #2s right behind her. I could go heavily into detail about other lovely ladies like Liara, Kasumi Goto and Jack, but for this week, I have to start with the Queen of Mass Effect: Tali’Zorah. Which is really saying something when you consider you spend almost three entire games not knowing what her face looks like.


For those unfamiliar of the series (in which case, HOW HAVE YOU NOT PLAYED THIS SERIES?!), Tali is a member of the Quarian race, a small race of environmental suit wearing engineers that can build anything, especially using just junk parts. They have no homeworld and live on their ships, in particular the Migrant Fleet, a massive collection of ships, ranging from heavy-gunned ships to basic refugee crafts. The lack of a homeworld is also having to do with why they are always wearing environmental suits, their immune systems are extremely weak compared to other races, just being exposed to untreated air for a second can cause them to get sick. As we’re told over the series, if a soldier doesn’t die from a wound sustained they will likely die from the infection following. To get to our first time meeting Tali, we have to also note how she got where she did. Very few Quarians left the Migrant Fleet, but when the young ones reach a certain age, they’re sent out on a Pilgrimage. Their goal is to find something in the universe that will benefit the Migrant Fleet, whether it’s technology, or even another ship. In Tali’s case, she seeks to find a way to defeat the Geth, the artificially created race that the Quarians built and turned on them, kicking them out of their homeworld.

When we first meet her, she’s as innocent as can be. She’s also very naive, almost getting killed before being saved by Shepard. Given that she’s been only living with her own race at the Migrant Fleet, she’s not very sociable around other races at first. It’s when Shepard and company take her aboard as a member of their crew that we begin to see Tali mold into the perfect woman she is by the end of the series.


Once she gets comfortable with everyone, the game is over. In the first Mass Effect game, there are only two female options to romance: Ashley and Liara. Tali is not among them. A lot of people were disappointed with this, feeling Tali was the best girl in the game. I don’t know how I didn’t see this the first time I played through the game, I just went with Ashley. Now that I’ve gone through the entire series, she’s at the bottom of the list. But in Mass Effect 2, she becomes a romantic option and that’s when we really start to see her in a different light. She’s very shy and stumbles over her words a lot in the first game, by the second game she’s got a bit of a mouth on her. And that’s when we get to my favourite word in the entire series: Bosh’tet. There’s no direction translation for the word, but it’s essentially used in place of where you’d say shit, bitch, bastard, whatever insult you’d like. And Tali pulls it off flawlessly, sometimes out of nowhere, other times when you don’t want to fuck with her. And no matter how pissed off she is, it’s adorable to me every single time.

She’s definitely got the most real personality in the entire game. Ashley is a total bitch, Jack is fucking crazy, Liara’s very goody two-shoes (at least until the Shadow Broker DLC), Miranda’s got a great ass and Kasumi’s not an option, another disappointment for me. Samara’s also not an option, but she’s boring as fuck. And I’m never taking Morinth, so there’s no point mentioning her. I guess I could include Kelly Chambers and Samantha Traynor, but their roles are so minor, it’s hard to. But Tali is very real, she fluctuates from innocent, to shy, to downright pissed off. And when it’s hard enough to make her that real, you have to worry about the environmental suit. How she stumbles through her words with Shepard is adorable, and just watching how paranoid she gets when thinking about “linking her suit” with Shepard and the probably hundred different drugs and antibiotics she takes before it is just hilarious.


Which brings us to what would be the hardest part about pursuing a relationship with her if she was a real person. So many questions arise from the fact Quarians are so susceptible to infections. Aside from getting fevers and such, something the game never mentions, obviously cause it’s not something you really go in-depth on it the game, but I ask the questions no one else does! Think about it, all the sexually transmitted diseases we can get in real life. What would the risks actually be having sexual intercourse with a Quarian, ESPECIALLY if it’s a gay relationship between two males. We know Tali gets pretty sick from just taking her helmet off and presumably making out with Shepard. What would happen if the entire suit came off, even if it was in a treated environment? Anyways, I’m asking too many questions here, I think.


To our surprise, near the end of Mass Effect 3, we actually get to see Tali’s face and in the end get an idea what the Quarians look like. Generally speaking, they are human with a few noted differences. One, their hands have only three fingers. Two, their feet only have two long toes. Three, from what we can tell from the photograph there are some odd marks on their bodies, they look almost like wires running along their skin. We have no way of knowing if these marks are on their entire body or just the neck and up. But in terms of everything else, they’re very much an altered human race. Because Tali’s the only example we have, we don’t know things like skin colour within the Quarian race, if their frames are built differently, if the bone structure and placement of organs is any different.

A lot of people felt like this was a major cop out on Bioware’s part, but I fail to see the problem here. How would have we all reacted if Tali took her helmet off and turned out to be some hideous tentacle face. The Quarian race could’ve looked a lot like the Covenant from the HALO series for all we knew, so unlike a lot of people out there who didn’t like the Photoshop’d version of a Shutterstock photo (I believe it was), I didn’t mind because it made me more into Tali. I would’ve been absolutely heartbroken if she was an ugly alien. I’ve already got enough to look at with the Turians, Salarians and Krogan. At least the Asari make us perceive them as what we prefer.

art by brinx-II
art by brinx-II

Tali is one of the most memorable female characters I’ve ever played alongside in a video game. After all she’s #3 on the Video Game Girls I’d Marry list. There’s so much to her character that makes her so interesting and so irresistible and this is all happening before I even have any idea what she looks like under that helmet! She’s cute, funny, strong and most important, your best friend. Regardless of whether you choose her romantically or not in the series, she’s like your best friend or a sister to you the entire way through. She’s a total sweetheart and I love everything about her.

She’s also got a great ass. You’re not the only one, Miranda.


Top 10 Games I’m Looking Forward to in 2016

2015 was a pretty good year for gaming, a lot of great stuff came out. But who gives a fuck, it’s 2016! So with that, let’s do the Top 10 games I’m looking forward to in 2016!



When I initially saw the concept of No Man’s Sky, I was blown away. Now those parts of me that were lost have returned and haven’t felt much wind since. Because the game is getting closer and closer to launch and I still have not much of a clue what the game will actually be like in full, I’m becoming more and more skeptical as time goes on. Granted, the game looks fucking gorgeous, the art style is fantastic. But the game itself is still a bit dodgy, considering we don’t know much about it other than you explore and name things. If it’s more than that, awesome, if it’s not much more, that’s worrisome.


IT’S SO FUCKING CUTE!!! Seriously though, it’s really freaking cute! I would’ve actually been okay with just this announcement at Sony’s E3 conference, but I guess the Final Fantasy VII remake reveal was pretty good too. I’m not 100% sure what to expect from World of Final Fantasy yet, but at least in terms of its design, it looks like a fun little game to play. I just hope there’s at least some sort of cohesive story to it and not just chibi Lightning still being a bitch in it.


Another game I would put so much higher on this list, but over time its value has decreased based on what I’ve seen. Ubisoft alone based on their track record the past couple years is part of it, but the constant pushing back of the game’s release date is also a little worrisome. Though I’m still very excited about the potential this game has to keeping my attention much like Destiny has been doing, just instead as a realistic 3rd-person shooter. Though to be more addictive than Destiny is a feat I’m not sure anything can do to me right now.


This is a game that continues to interest me the more I see of it. The idea of being alone in the beautiful, yet slightly unnerving environment is really interesting. The fact you have someone talking with you the whole time counterbalances that alone feeling too, so you’re not stuck experiencing one side of the emotional spectrum. The “story” that we’ve seen so far is very interesting and I cannot wait to play this game when it releases, it sounds and looks like a nice, short experience.


My brain still continually tells me this game will likely be okay at best, but I cannot help myself for being as excited as I am for this game to come out. The initial trailer at E3 this year had me hooked, I love the world, I love the concept, I love the battle mechanics and I love the main character. Everything about this game so far spells awesome to me, but only a matter of time will tell. It’s also been very quiet since about this game, so that could be taken as a bit of a bad sign. We’ll just have to wait and see.


I’ve liked Fire Emblem games since they started coming out on the GBA in North America, but when Awakening came out on the 3DS, that was it, the series had me hooked. And yes, it was partially because of the more casual mode where permadeath isn’t a thing (I’m really bad at these games, I kinda need it!). Fates is really exciting for me, though I’m still a bit miffed about the two separate copies. But if the games are good enough to be worth the asking price, I’m all for it.


I had almost zero intentions of playing the game at first, mainly because ever since Final Fantasy XII, Square has shown me that they’ve forgotten how to make a good Final Fantasy game. But then the demo for XV came out and I shut the hell up, it was fantastic, I love the new battle system, it’s far more intensified now. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about the main cast, I really didn’t get a good idea as to what they’re all about. But I did get Cidney (Cindy). And I’m pretty happy about that.


So you’re telling me that my favourite series of the past decade in Shin Megami Tensei is getting mixed together with one of my other favourite series of this past decade in Fire Emblem?! Nintendo didn’t ever have to show me any game footage, I already had pre-order plans for this game. And I don’t pre-order shit anymore.


Like I just said, my favourite series of the past decade and the Persona games are the reason for it. Persona 3 was fantastic and Persona 4 was fucking phenomenal. By that logic, Persona 5 is going to blow me away. The music already is as great as it has ever been, the art design is beautiful and weird as fuck at the same time, the characters look awesome and interesting and of course the gameplay looks solid, somehow even better than Persona 4. I’m ready, Atlus. Take me.


This game is slotted for Q4 of 2016. I don’t believe for a second that date will last, my best case scenario is March of 2017 to be honest. But that won’t stop me from listing this as the easy #1 pick for the game I’m looking forward to the most in 2016. The Mass Effect trilogy was an incredible (albeit a little weak on the ending) journey that introduced me to a ton of characters I’m in love with still to this day, tons of memorable moments and an entire universe I can’t wait to go back to. Here’s hoping when this game is released, it’s everything we ever dreamed of and more.


And that’s the list everyone! Hope you enjoyed it. As always if you have a different opinion, don’t hesitate to list your top 10s in the comments below!

This Week in Sexy Games: Mass Effect (A Look Back)


Remember that time Fox News made a giant spectacle of the original game’s “explicit sex scenes” that would ruin children and turn them into sexual deviants and rape every man, woman and child in sight?!

I do. I wish I didn’t.

Mass Effect is easily one of my favourite franchises of all-time. As of writing this article, I’m pretty sure it falls into the #2 spot behind Final Fantasy. It’s a game that encompasses everything I enjoy playing in video games. Lots of action, great storylines, fully fleshed out characters, a little bit of comedy thrown in and most importantly…TONS OF SEXY LADIES!!! *cue rave music*

Ahem! In all seriousness though, the games are fantastic works of art (because yes, video games are art, suck it parents, politicans and especially you, Jack Thompson) and deserve to be put up on a pedestal as one of the best written and built games of the past 10 years.

It of course, didn’t come without its share of “controversy” though.

The first game really rubbed the Christian Conservative Crazies the wrong way when kids (cause y’know the game wasn’t rated M for mature or anything…) could easily access lesbian sex scenes with full-frontal nudity. Even though it wasn’t full-frontal nudity, the best we’ve ever gotten is some Liara or Ashley side boob in the original game. It’s amazing how that scene pissed off a lot of people, yet I heard far less when seeing Cassandra‘s nipples or even Dorian‘s bare ass in Dragon Age: Inquisition. Also…YOU HAD TO PLAY THE GAME FOR OVER 50 HOURS TO EVEN SEE THAT SCENE!!! They even made claims that you controlled every action during that scene. Ah…professional journalism at its finest.

They half got what they wanted though in Mass Effect 2, there was no nudity at all. But BioWare certainly got their revenge in the third installment. “Oh what’s that? You don’t like our sex scenes? You know what’ll make us all come to a compromise? GAY SEX!!!”. And we got the Shepard/Cortez romance. I only mention that as gay sex because let’s be honest, a lot of men are fucking hypocritical by saying they’re against homosexuality, but you know they have zero issue watching two hot girls going at it.

So moving along from the controversy, I guess all that’s left is recalling my favourite moments that fall into the sexy category. Well I suppose we have to start with Miranda‘s ass, it’s not like you can get away from it, it IS glorious. Already mentioning Liara side boob from the original, she’s animated unbelievably beautifully in the 3rd game, it’s impossible not to stare at Liara and her perfect body/skin. Last but not least, I also enjoyed the far underrated Samantha Traynor. If I wasn’t already attached to Liara and/or Tali, she’d be up there. But you’re an ass kicking space marine, you gotta give the aliens your love first, it’s a rule!

In terms of things I wish we got though, I really wish we’d gotten a little more Kasumi, I absolutely adored her in the 2nd and 3rd games. Maybe a little more of Samara as well, after all Liara proved just how stunningly beautiful the Asari truly are. At the very least though, I’m glad there was no EDI romance scene, robots might’ve crossed the line for me if that’d happened.

The best part about all these romance scenes though? They almost all had a ton of emotion and meaning into it. It wasn’t just sex for the sake of sex (I’m looking directly at you, Ride to Hell: Retribution, you steaming pile of rapey sexist shit!), there was a strong bond that developed between the characters, the war they were fighting added to the drama of it and when the kiss finally happened, it meant something. And if it’s a relationship that carried on to the next game, it meant even more, you were rewarded with the admission from the game that you worked to develop that relationship, it wasn’t just forgotten and lost in translation.

Mass Effect does a wonderful job at handling romance and sex in video games. But Fox News is right, all they really did though is cause a bunch of minors to turn into rapists and sexual deviants.

You fucking idiots…*facepalm*